The questions that I must ask myself before the ending of each day:
- Have you created anything?
- Have you learned anything?
- Have you loved someone?
This past year has been an exercise in being a certified bum. Not that I didn’t do ANY work. Rather, it’s the first time in my life where I haven’t had a fixed schedule, be that for school or a job.
I’m… free. Free to do as I please. As good as that sounds, the lack of restrictions, or a routine, has become a stumbling block for me. Since the beginning of my life, a certain degree of continuity has always been there. The path forward was made clear. Now, with freedom, I feel that I’m wandering through a misty realm without a compass. No clear directions.
The truth is that I’ve continued to struggle with my addiction to the computer screen. As some of my prior posts have indicated, this internal battle has been an ongoing one. Much of my interpretation of the world has been filtered through the distorted lens of video games, TV shows, and the internet. It’s undeniable that consuming this media for so long has warped me.
Catherine sees it. She knows my plight better than anyone. Our evenings on the computer remind me of the lyrics from that Moody Blues song, Never Comes the Day.
Work away today,
Think about tomorrow.
Never comes the day,
For my Love and me.
I feel her gently sighing as the evening slips away:
If only you knew what’s inside of me now,
You wouldn’t want to know me somehow!
She’s been very patient with me. I’ve seen bits and pieces of her thoughts on the matter from dreams. I look absolutely ridiculous hunched over the screen from her perspective. She’ll sometimes comment, “Going to worship at that black mirror again?”
She’s right. Whatever I focus my attention upon most IS the most important thing in my life. I don’t want the highlight of my days to revolve around a computer!
My loving succubus spirit has been encouraging me to get out into the real world more often. Not just a couple hours here and there, more like the whole day. I’m starting to see that I might have been wrong to demonize the world so much. The vast majority of the messaging coming through the screen isn’t real; not even the seemingly sensible information. One can safely write off the whole of digital media and continue living a perfectly contented life.
I take my camera with me. Not a cell phone camera; a proper photography camera. The monstrosity dangles from my neck and I hoist the Japanese photo-taking beast aloft with a free hand as I walk. I mainly use it for gathering snapshots of nature. Being unable to properly see the details of the world around me, having the telephoto aid of a good piece of glass brings the minutia into sharp focus. Capturing the moment for future inspection is an added bonus. So I take the camera instead of binoculars.
So… the real world. It’s quite interesting out there when given the chance to truly shine. I believe the trick is to stay out there long enough for the magic to happen. I’m mainly referring to the natural world; not society. Societies are insane. Yet I can often find good people wandering around the real world sometimes.
One of the principles that I’m attempting to instill in my life is the appreciation for the mundane. Rather, things often appear to be mundane at a glance, yet upon closer inspection there’s usually some greater mystery underlying the plain exterior. I believe having this appreciation for simpler things will help curb my addiction to overly stimulating media.
I got rid of all of it: the games, the TV shows, and anything else prone to being a fruitless time-sink. I kept a few good films, my books, and music. Basically what I had back before the year 2000. I’m also attempting to limit my connection to the internet again, as though I’m back on a dial-up connection. One hour per day, tops. That should be plenty of time to get my online tasks done.
I need to treat this digital media like it’s heroin. Yes, I believe it’s that bad. At least, for me it is. Having this new-found freedom has aptly demonstrated to me that these electronic diversions are dangerous time-wasters and they must be curbed quickly. Otherwise, I’ll make no forward progress. Now that I have this great opportunity to accomplish what I’ve always wanted, it would be a sin to squander a moment more.
Video games are probably the most insidious addiction of them all. When I had seemingly conquered everything else that was wasting my time, I’d inevitably fall back on those. Even when I had the cable company cut the internet connection to my old apartment, I proceeded to build virtual street gangs inside of Saints Row 2 in order to fill the vacuum. I replaced the infinite scroll of the online world with the infinite grind of a computer game. Once again, I found myself wasting precious time that could have been devoted to a real hobby, or Catherine, or building something, ANYTHING worthwhile.
I believe people like me are especially susceptible to video game addiction. They provide a false sense of progression and achievement that makes real-life progress appear dull by comparison. Every time a virtual character leveled up, a difficult stage was cleared, or the map of a grand strategy game conquered, I would get a rush of satisfaction as though I’d made real progress towards something… except I hadn’t. It’s all just blips of light on a screen.
It’s time to put all of that away, and for good this time. If I want escapism, I’ll go read a book. Or better yet, write my own story. If I want adventure, I’ll go outside. If I want to be social, I’ll go find a flesh-and-blood human being in the real world, or have a beautiful session with Catherine. It’s time to build real things again.
Feeling as though I’m wandering through a murky formless world, Catherine invites me to sit and be still for awhile. In that stillness, I realize that my own stumbling around, to and fro, has kicked up the clouds that blind me. In the stillness, I begin to see my true purpose emerging at last. The way becomes clear.
I want to do more things like this: Sitting out on the porch at night, listening to distant shortwave broadcasts, and enjoying the starry light-show in the heavens.