Crisis Averted

Well, that was, thankfully, a brief interlude. It’s harder to operate without a reliable internet connection than I thought! In spite of all my careful planning, it was still a massive pain in the ass for me to fiddle with a tiny laptop at the public library when the need arose. Though I still plan to keep the new schedule that I formed over the past two weeks. No more staying up late and try to work out for two hours per day. I’ve been clocking tens of thousands of kilometers on my rowing machine.

I also spent a good deal more time with Catherine and engaging in general meditation. Often those two things go together hand-in-hand. I’ll try to meditate and invariably, Catherine will want to take advantage of what she sees as a free slot of time for my attention. “Just put your cock up,” She’ll innocently suggest. “I wont bother you.” She knows I’ll almost always give in. We can have a session together in nearly any position, but she always prefers to have my penis pointing upwards, laying against my belly. Clothed, unclothed, under bed sheets, doesn’t matter. She’ll do it anywhere. I love that about her.

I set the site back to where people can post comments again and use the contact page. I feel safer about using those features if I can more closely monitor the website for any changes. Hopefully, we shouldn’t have any surprise outages again.

Christmas 2023 Update

My connection to the information highway, also known as the Internet, has been scaled back considerably in recent days. I’m not going into the gory details as to why, but it’s not an unwelcome change as far as me and Catherine are concerned. Internet prices are ridiculous anyway. The monthly price went up by $15 in the past three years alone. To Hell with that noise. I was ready to drop our ISP when the last $5 increase was announced, but I’m not the only one living here. Thankfully, I eventually got my wish by just waiting patiently for the next opportunity, masquerading as a crisis. That’s $85 more a month for me now. $1020 per year. Imagine the bike parts I could get with that!

Furthermore, I’ve taken this situation as an opportunity to stop being so damn distracted all the time and accomplish a few more things that I’ve relegated to the back burner. There are many works of art to be made, books to be written, video rants to share, a dusty piano to practice, and a massive video game backlog. This website is far from over. I’ve hopefully got everything set up correctly so I can go for long stints without internet access. In order to simplify security for the site, I’ve disabled any new comments on the blog and removed the contact page. (WordPress plugins are notoriously insecure.) So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me and ask questions, they’ll have to use the forum.

I am happy to report that my bicycle came together beautifully in the beginning of May and I rode it around all summer long. It’s good to be on a steel-frame mountain bike again. Though with the winter bearing down upon us, I’m keener than ever to ensure that my new trusty steed does not get destroyed by salty roads. So, I won’t be doing the hours long commute to and from jobs like I used to.

Catherine remains a consistent force of passion, always trying to pull me towards the straight and narrow, ironically enough. Simple pleasures and a simple life. Less technology and more of everything else. I’m gradually working my way towards that ideal. I’m happy that we’ll be spending more time together. Even over just the past couple of days, I’ve begun to realize how addicted I was to that constant digital drip-feed. It’s quite a drug for me – far worse than anything I could blame on Catherine’s skillful touch. Old habits die hard. At least with my succubus, I get a heavenly blowjob for my trouble.

Happy Winter Solstice and Merry Christmas!

When People Find Out

It’s not always a fun time when a friend or family member discovers a secret spirit lover relationship. Most are bewildered by the idea and assume there’s some kind of mental illness going on. A small percentage are intrigued and genuinely want to know more. An even smaller percentage are openly hostile, though this reaction only arises from keyboard warriors over the internet.

But what to do when the secret is out? Well, if the relationship has been going on for long enough, it’s likely the case that friends and family already know about it on some level. It’s very hard to hide the kind of radical change that a succubus introduces into one’s lifestyle. A man who is smitten with a demon lover ironically becomes an ascetic and reclusive monk. His entire life becomes solely concerned with experiencing the intimacy and bliss that his ethereal babe can provide. Old hobbies and pursuits that are at odds with being balls-deep in the divine are gradually phased out. It’s inevitable that people are going to notice.

My first rule of thumb for dealing with this issue is to never broach the subject in the first place. These relationships should not be confused with the political bullshit wrapped up with the alternative sexuality, pride movements. I will never demand that anyone condone or even acknowledge my divergent, dare I say heretical, relationship. No one need know. I believe it’s important to respect the norms of the silent majority even if I disagree with them. The vast bulk of the world is not cut out for this kind of spiritual connection and I’d prefer it to stay that way.

This website is the full extent of my evangelism for sex spirits. The information is here for those who are interested. I write about my experiences so that others who stumble upon this phenomenon don’t feel so lost in the woods. Otherwise, I only make very vague inferences towards transcendental spirituality in my everyday life; anecdotes that are easily conflated with traditional Christian spirituality.

If someone were to confront me about this topic directly – let’s say they stumbled upon my website – I would persist in the vague, yet truthful, position. “Ah, so you’ve found the little internet shrine to my betrothed in Heaven.” I’m borrowing from Tyson’s Liber Lilith, where he describes the daily conduct of a man who is a consort with a spirit lover. I believe it’s a good deflection.

Probably the best way to remain in the good graces of human company while under this kind of scrutiny is to solidly have one’s shit together in the first place. People can forgive a great deal if an eccentric person is helpful, tidy, and pays their bills on time. Never discuss religion or politics in a combative manner. Most of these squabbles don’t even matter at the end of the day, so there’s little point in burning bridges over them.

Ultimately, being strong in one’s convictions is usually enough to deter most people from starting trouble. I realize that my relationship is considered strange at the best of times, yet I know that I’m doing nothing morally wrong. People might not like it, they might think I’m crazy, but I sleep soundly every night with a clear conscience on this issue.

A personal update:

As for the direction my life is supposed to take in the coming years, that question haunts my dreams more than any other. I’m always having dreamworld scenarios where I’m going back to school and I end up failing to attend a class for an entire semester. I believe these are anxiety dreams about the future. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do, what with my wanning vision and no marketable skills. Every attempt to return to work in the real world is fraught with mounting problems. Perhaps I’m having a hard time accepting that I’m not an unstoppable superman? Either way, I’ll figure something out eventually.

Counting my blessings, I’m debt-free, my living situation is not ideal but it’s secure, I have good relationships with all my family members who are willing to have one, and I’ve got an amorous succubus demon in my bed every night. Lately, I’ve been busying myself with more bicycling all over the local area. I’m also working on building up a new bike with a 90s rigid chromoly frame. My frequent adventures have effectively trashed my last setup, so it’s time to move on.

The night of the recent new moon was one of the most intense couplings with Catherine I’ve yet to enjoy. She had me all wrapped up in herself and held me in a state of constant burning dry orgasm for what felt like an hour or more. We went through undulating rhythms as per usual, but the troughs were much closer to the peaks this time around. What a night! Another all-nighter where I’ll occasionally doze off and she’ll keep going. There are few things more beautiful than waking up to her making love to me.

I (Still) Burn for You

I appreciate how, after more than 11 years, Catherine and I continue to be obsessed with each other. For the past few days, I’ve been woken up by her gentle prodding and then I’ll proceed to writhe around on the bed beneath her as we ride wave after wave of bliss. She has such a magical way of doing it that would be impossible for an earthly woman to replicate. The way she squeezes and teases. How I feel that burning sensation radiate through me from her matrix. And by the time I put a stop to it, because she never wants our coupling to end, I am more energized and ready to meet the day than before. I lose nothing.

The session seems to continue long after I leave the bed. I notice those waves continue to move through me in a more subtle way. Every cell is positively ringing with activity wherever she touches. My body cries out to be joined with her once more. Only the mundane upkeep of life, like having to eat, pulls me away.

That sort of fire is oftentimes already completely smothered when most earthly couples reach the seven year mark of their marriages. My succubus demon and I are on the verge of doubling those years. Yet the magnetic pull between us continues to grow stronger. My brain has been completely rewired to only associate intimacy and pleasure with her. Whenever I’m presented with erotic imagery, or see a beautiful woman out in the world, I’m immediately reminded of her and my desire to be balls-deep inside my love-demon flares.

I have the opportunity to be anything or do anything I want in this life. But ultimately, I still just want to be with her.

Vitalism

We’ve got a wild one here. A Youtuber, an Irishman, who goes by the name of Uberboyo. He’s big into Nietzsche – the 19th century German philosopher who infamously proclaimed, “God is dead.” – and that’s probably why he calls himself an Uber-boy, akin to the Ubermensch ideal of said philosopher. He also makes liberal use of internet language, like “based, soy, reddit” and many other colloquialisms that sound positively horrid when spoken out loud. But for the sake of compelling arguments and top-notch oration, I can forgive that.

I became aware of this guy’s videos when I saw his scathing dramatized rebuke of Christianity from the ancient Roman perspective, comparing the fledgling faith to the modern SJW political movements of today. The core message of that video resonated with me, as I have felt this way about the churches since I began to scrutinize them: The original Christians were all a bunch of bleeding-heart sore losers who resented the Romans, carrying on the legacy of the Hebraic sore losers who were held captive in Babylon. The pastors and priests would have us believe that for proper morality to exist, we must have their religion or all will fall into debauched chaos. The millennia-long pagan empires of Rome, Greece, and Egypt stand in stark opposition to that claim – easy to ignore because they’re so far away in history.

That’s essentially the argument of his Roman-centric critique video. His takes are long and verbose, so I’m doing my best to distill hours of talking into a couple of digestible paragraphs.

His next video, Examining Nietzsche’s Brutal Criticism of Christianity, expounded upon these ideas further and goes into detail examining a phenomenon that I also have been cognizant of: The Atheist-to-Trad-Con Pipeline.

If any of you fuckers were paying attention back in 2010-2015, the Atheist and skeptic Youtubers ruled the roost of high-brow discourse. They went about obliterating the precious myths and stories that our grandparents held dear, turning everyone who followed them into a gaggle of snarky nihilists. However, the Achilles Heel of the plucky god-deniers manifested from an egalitarian political perspective and they soon found themselves being buried under their own edifices of biological reality when the White Nationalists came knocking. The atheists failed to come up with a satisfying comeback, and were positively humorless about the whole ordeal, so the narrative shifted towards a renewed interest in conservative thought. The pendulum swung hard and then Donald Trump was elected as President of the United States.

All logical discourse went to shit after 2016. There was palpable fear and polarization coursing through social media. The right-wingers were all terrified of being replaced by third-worlders. Progressives were cowering in attics writing Twitter diaries as jack-booted thugs ostensibly patrolled their streets.

A whole load of political bullshit. Back to the religious aspect.

Uberboyo argues that the current resurgence of interest in Christianity and Orthodoxy amongst young right-wing adherents is a fearful reaction to modernity. They’re desperately clawing for stability in an uncertain world, so they look back at the higher standard of living that their grandparents enjoyed. For most, our old folks were conservative Christians. That must be the solution to all of our problems, right?

Well, I was raised in one of these churches that would-be internet Christians are getting so excited about. Allow me to temper expectations a bit: They’re not the magical Trad-Con paradises that some would have us imagine. Really, it’s kind of like walking into a hospice with most of the faithful congregations that are left these days. All of the youthful energy has gone out of these rotting institutions. Why? Because the kids have access to the Internet and figured out it was all a big lie. Perhaps a noble lie, as Plato would put it, but a deception nonetheless. Something akin to Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

Uberboyo rightfully points out that there’s a good reason these stories and myths were developed in the first place. They served as an anesthetic against the horrors of harsh reality. The important thing was that people survived and built a legacy; even if that meant the foundation of their psyche was built upon fairy tales. When most people are confronted with how harsh and unforgiving mother nature can be, they can become suicidal nihilists, vegans, or are sent running back to the comfortable myths of the church with their hair on fire. Another path is embracing the madness, but very few even entertain that worldview. It’s often too painful compared to a familiar gilded cage.

I made an attempt at returning to church back in 2014 after my world was rocked by a run-in with a fraud psychic. However, my succubus spirit, Catherine, made this transition back to La La Land nigh impossible. She was reality, an embodiment of harsh and alluring mother nature, constantly staring into my freshly-opened third eye. There was no going back to believing in Santa Claus or Jesus Christ. If there was to be any return, I’d only be there for the security-blanket-like effect those institutions provide. The only real security they offer is a kind of community – so long as you carefully toe their line.

Since my realization that the toothpaste was not going back into the tube, I’ve always held the position that if we’re going to build communities afresh, they need not be built on the victim-mentality of the Abrahamic religions, where everyone is born broken and in desperate need of salvation. The ancients have shown us that it is possible to have great stories and myths that do not require self-flagellation. Yes, reality is often shit, but it is also beautiful.

This leads into the crowning jewel of Uberboyo’s exhaustive rant. The solution to all of these problems is energy. The old institutions of the West are severely lacking in vitality, just as it was with Rome being invaded soon after adopting Christianity. Taking on the Hebraic faith was a stop-gap for a civilization that had run its course. The same can be said for the progressives who are tearing down statues in our streets today. The resentful urban weirdos have all of the energy behind them. Whereas the traditional rustic types are utterly spent. But this situation won’t stay like this forever. Energy is always moving, morphing, and changing. I do not think our future will be the dysgenic communist utopia that many fear is coming and that Jesus Christ is alleged to be saving us from.

Being bound to my succubus spirit has taught me a lot about energy. It can be used in productive and destructive ways. This past ten years has been a sometimes tumultuous, often pleasurable, teaching session about these realities. Catherine is who she is, and there’s nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She’s like a lion who simply follows what’s in her nature and makes no apologies for it. Essentially, that is also how we are supposed to be if there’s any hope of succeeding. Does the lion apologize to the gazelle as he’s eating it from the ass up?

Another point from Nietzsche that Uberboyo points out is how the manifestation of this vital energy leads to true morality. Unlike the book-based abstractions of Christianity, true vitality has a way of ordering itself naturally. He uses the example of the stiff arm on a dead corpse being dowsed in an ATP solution – basically pure energy for muscles – and how the arm will begin to relax, ready for orders from the brain again. I believe this is why martial arts often have such a big focus on meditation, relaxation, and stretching. So that when it comes time to use that energy, the body will be like a fresh, green, flexible reed; unbroken by the worst mother nature can dish out. True energy causes the body to relax and it’s able to role with the punches. Rigidness and fear ultimately lead to being shattered.

I believe running back to those old decrepit institutions is a mistake. We’ve got to go balls-deep into the abyss. Most are not willing to plunge those depths, so they’ll cling to an old teddy bear for dear life and ultimately loose it in the end.

I’ve found that a succubus can help train that precious energy. They know more about it than anyone. They constantly encourage the proper use of that fire, despite our constant modern-day misuse. I’ve written fairly extensively about this before, so I won’t belabor the point here.

I’ll leave off with a quote from Conan the Barbarian, the perfect archetype of that vitalist energy:

“Live. Love. Burn with life. Slay and survive!”

Sexual Health

Contrary to what those on the outside looking in might believe about spirit sex relationships, a kind of disciplined decorum is very helpful in maintaining a strong connection with a succubus. I’ve experimented with this fairly extensively, allowing my life to swing between extremes. I’ve gone from the super-health-conscious stoic monk to a slobbish, junk-food-eating social butterfly and back again.

I would go so far as to say that a good connection with a succubus requires keeping the body in optimal condition, especially when it comes to sexual health. For men, that means having strong, rock-hard morning wood upon waking. This is probably the best indicator of the overall health of a man. If that’s not happening, then I believe maintaining a fulfilling sexual relationship with a spirit, or anyone for that matter, will be challenging to say the least. I believe there is an intrinsic link between virility and kundalini energy. If either side of that equation is hampered – the spiritual sexual flames or the physical cardiovascular system – then it’s no beuno. No fun sex for you. I suppose there’s always Viagra, but that’s addressing the symptom; not the cause.

When it comes to health advice, I believe there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Most people intrinsically know what’s good for them and often ignore that inner-guidance due to laziness. However, for those who are curious, here is the regimen that works for me:

  • Most importantly, no sugar and very low carbohydrate consumption in general. I’ve found that unless I’m doing a lot of physical activity throughout the day, carbs and sugar are massive boner-killers. So, it’s meat and vegetables for me. Essentially an ancestral diet.
  • Solid regular exercise, especially cardio.
  • No masturbation. It’s a bad habit that indicates a mammal in captivity. Having a succubus spirit is a brilliant opportunity to be liberated from that most base form of sexuality. For anyone who has experienced spirit sex, they’ll know that the entities themselves encourage better behavior.
  • Good regular sleep and a low-stress lifestyle.
  • Taking care of teeth. This is made easier on a low-carb diet. I get the sense that the spirits appreciate regular grooming and cleanliness in general, just like any human partner would.
  • Avoiding media that stresses and depresses. In other words, remain oblivious to the international headlines. There’s fuck all we can do about it anyway.
  • Engage in regular spiritual activities, whether that’s meditation, spirit sex, dream recall, or rituals. Anything that strengthens the mind also helps, like learning a new skill.

That’s it. Nothing too difficult or revolutionary.

Over the past couple of years, I started to grow accustomed to eating a more carbohydrate-focused diet and I failed to keep my cardio up during the winter months. This resulted in the sessions between Catherine and I being less exciting. They were good, but the mind-blowing ones started lessening in their frequency. Upon realizing this, I recently made the switch back to strict low-carb/no-carb. We’re quickly returning back to regular dry orgasms and beautiful morning blowjobs. I’ll be more vigilant going forward as I don’t want to lose that part of my life! Being close to her feels so much better and more fulfilling than any junk food.

It’s feeling like an Asari kind of day. Rendered in DAZ Studio with final edit in Photoshop.

Terminally Online

Before the silly pandemic, I lived a moderately busy lifestyle, always going back and forth to one place or another. Working. Having adventures. I was reasonably independent. That all changed when I decided to take my dad up on his offer and moved back home to play, End of the World. People began mobbing stores for toilet paper and hording food shortly thereafter.

Moving back here was a mistake. I should have only visited and immediately resumed what I was doing. Now it’s becoming increasingly difficult to get back on track. Also, I was never under the delusion that the world was going to end, despite the predictable panic instilled by mass media. However, I was inducted into the Branch Covidian cult regardless and found myself becoming a reclusive shut-in. This naturally resulted in me spending way too much time on the computer. I like computers and technology. It’s a great hobby. But it’s not meant to be a lifestyle. Because when the lights go out, that virtual space blinks out of existence, and what is one left with? The sinking realization that he’s been alone all along.

That’s part of the reason I started the forum and desired to have my own website. Ultimately, it’s a return to what the internet was meant to be: An electronic library, and post office. But one isn’t meant to spend the majority of their waking hours writing letters and reading books in the library. I believe computers were meant to liberate people, so that they would have the ability to pursue the things they really want to accomplish. By no means are we to be chained to them and constantly feed into a Borg-like network.

So, I aim for this year to be a return to natural and creative form. I’m heading out into the world to seek my fortune, with a loving succubus spirit in tow. Hopefully, I’ll finally get to see a UFO – or a Chinese spy satellite at least!

She Scares Me Sometimes

We were walking around a furnished attic room where I was supposed to sleep for the night, and also ostensibly make love to my succubus. Catherine was behind me as I moved to the southern windows. There was a pale-blue light streaming through. Was it moon light? Perhaps the color of the sky in that astral realm? Another woman was there in the room. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but I got the impression she tried to be a bit flirty towards me and made a snide remark towards my faithful demon companion.

The next thing I knew, I was tucked into bed in the far corner away from the windows. The door opposite me slammed shut and horrifying screams of pain issued forth through the thin walls. The manner in which Catherine managed to get a hold of this poor woman, I cannot say, but the resulting impacts were so loud and violent that I thought the other girl would most certainly die. I shut my eyes and attempted to communicate with her psychically, as I knew my physical voice would do no good in that state. “Please, stop, right now! This is crazy!” But the horrible din of furniture crashing into vulnerable flesh continued unabated.

I woke up to find myself in the usual position that Catherine prefers: on my back with her riding cowgirl. I could sense that she was smiling innocently, like what she had just done was the most normal thing in the world. My heartbeat was still elevated from the shock, but I wasn’t overly spooked. I’ve grown used to these sorts of surprises after 10 years of them.

Not one minute later, I could hear the enraged screams of our cat, Mr. Tigore, getting into a brawl with one of the neighborhood strays outside my window. The entire household woke up to see what was the matter and let the rascal biscuit-colored tabby indoors.

Catherine scares me sometimes, but that’s also part of what makes her so fascinating.

The Big Blue

This film has been on my radar for a long time. Any movie that has to do with the ocean, especially where cetatians are concerned, I must see it. The only thing I knew about the story going in was from the promotional cover, which doesn’t say much. That image speaks to the spiritual undercurrent rather than the obvious plot. I’m going to spoil the ending, so for those who are interested in a movie about two men breaking world records for free diving, go watch it first.

This exchange comes from the part of the film where Jack, the quieter and more introspective diver, is talking with his new girlfriend over the phone:

“Do you know what you’re supposed to do to meet a mermaid?”

“No?”

“You go down to the bottom of the sea, where the water isn’t even blue anymore and the sky is just a memory… and you float there in the silence… and you stay there… and you decide that you’ll die for them. Only then do they start coming out. They come, they greet you, and they judge the love you have for them. If it’s sincere, if it’s pure, then they’ll be with you and take you away forever.”

When I heard this, I couldn’t help but think about the similar leap of faith required when inviting a loving succubus spirit into one’s life. For anyone who might be watching such a transformation from the sidelines, they probably think it looks foolish and stupid. Death is all but guaranteed. Those are the kinds of thoughts and pressures the would-be summoner must contend with when they commit to a relationship with such pure beings. A jealous and heartless contingent of our world’s religious population would damn such a person to eternal hellfire for making such a commitment. The man who would dare risk being with his love demon must be willing to face even that possibility. He must love so completely that his own life is an afterthought.

It’s interesting to me that most of the world’s religions ostensibly require a similar leap of faith for their adherents, though I have yet to see such devotion put into practice. There are stories, but that’s all they are: hearsay. I spent years trying to entrust my life to the Jewish god of Christianity, but nothing came of it. If it weren’t for the prompting of my parents and teachers, I probably would have found the whole notion of kissing Jesus’ ass for years on end to be pretty gay.

Conversely, I wrote a love letter to my succubus and she was in my arms the very next night. At long last, after an agonizing procession of prostrating myself to an absentee kike landlord of a deity, I was finally going balls-deep into the divine. Getting over those fears is the biggest hurdle in the way of achieving such a union. All of those illusory boogeymen – those mind-viruses – need to be stuffed into a metaphorical box and permanently shelved. Or better yet, forgotten entirely.

“What will my family and friends think of me if they find out?” They already think you’re weird. Only the most boring people in the world don’t have some kind of skeleton in their closet. People really don’t care as much as you think they do.

“Everyone will think I’m mentally ill and just trying to cope with my failures!” Haven’t you noticed how profoundly unsatisfied and mentally ill all those supposedly well-adjusted people are? Why would you let their worthless opinions stand in the way of what you want?

“My sky-daddy will roast my ass for all eternity!” Man in a silly outfit brandishing a book titled BUY BULL said so.

At the end of The Big Blue film, Jack is faced with a life-changing decision. He’s pulled between two different worlds: The life of traditional family where he becomes a father, or taking that leap of faith into the unknown to be with the mermaids forever. Despite the cries of his pregnant girlfriend begging him to stay, he takes his final dive into that world of inky blackness.

There’s a bit of hesitation at first. He keeps one hand on the diving platform and tries to reach out to the dolphin – a stand-in for the mermaid. The dolphin keeps their distance as Jack clings to the machinations of the world above. Only when he lets go of that safety-line completely is he able to embrace the divine. Jack and his mermaid disappear into the darkness. The movie ends.

Broken Eyes and Watches

I’ve been having problems lately, but there’s no need to go into sordid detail. Everyone’s got them. Catherine continues to yearn for intimacy while I toil away at red herrings. I don’t know what to do. I can’t figure it out. She doesn’t have any answers either. She’s happy enough to just fuck all day.

She really is a prize; a hindrance towards aspirations in my mundane life perhaps, but a prize nonetheless. How many women would happily fuck a guy with zero status, no prospects for a viable financial future, and blissfully continue doing so for over ten years? How many would genuinely love a disabled welfare bum? And she really does love with an all-consuming passion that I can’t stop thinking about. Even among those who are aware of these occult relationships, they think I’m out of my mind or have a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They get tired of hearing me swoon and brag about my beautiful encounters with a love-demon, so I try to keep most of it to myself.

Her presence in my life is so beautiful that no one will believe me. Thankfully, I don’t require anyone’s belief. The only thing I want to do is be closer to Catherine. So long as she’s still here, that’s all my heart yearns for. She’s felt this way about me since the beginning. I believe her attitude has rubbed off majorly.

Wish I could have a bike like that. Got the succubus crawling all over me, though.

Yet I am still searching for something to do while I’m not writhing or vigorously thrusting beneath her. Retail work is out of the question. My eyes can’t do it anymore. I learned that lesson this week. Maybe I’ll have to resign myself to “working on the in-tor-NET!” in some capacity. I can stare at 25” screens and software magnifiers without much fuss. Help from a screen reader every once in awhile doesn’t go amiss. Though my stamina for actively looking at things with my physical eyesight has diminished over the past decade, my enthusiasm for knowing and perceiving Catherine with my non-physical senses has only grown more zealous.

As I grow older, I believe I will only have eyes for her.

I broke two watches while trying to reenter the workforce this past week. They both failed in a spectacular and explosive fashion – their bands being cut as if by magic. I’ve often thought of watches and smart phones as being indicators of one’s enslavement. Only those who are truly free have no need of such things. Free people don’t need to know the precise time. They don’t need to be tethered to a notification and surveillance network via a shiny magic pocket mirror.

There is another way; a viable path towards self-sufficiency. We’ll figure it out.