Rationalizations

I touched on this briefly in the first few posts of this blog. I can clearly see my vain attempts to rationalize away the reason I desired a hot sexy demoness; trying to paint my ambition as a puritanical one. When I look at my first entries now, I can’t help but facepalm. But for the sake of honesty with myself and everyone who reads this, I’m not going to change a word of it. I believe my moments of idiocy are just as valuable as the more brilliant events of my life.

I can’t speak for the female experience, but as a man, I want to be desired by my lover. A couple of years ago, I was surrounded by women who were very much desiring, but I couldn’t ascertain if they desired me, the man, or simply what I could provide for them. I was clearly cut above the rest in my skill and competence. I believe the status and money-making potential is what these women truly desired. I’m not angry about this. I think it’s a very natural thing for a woman to want, as it ensures security for herself and future offspring. Still, I wanted to be more than a sperm donor and an ATM machine.

There were times that I wished I could fully awaken my inner-homosexual, as I felt that gay guys truly desired the person they sought after and not just the utility they could provide. There were a few men who were attracted to me, but I couldn’t honestly reciprocate those feelings. Maybe on a purely hedonistic level, I could help them out, but I would most certainly be cheating them out of the emotional connection they desired.

I had similar problems with women. Sure, I might be attracted to them physically, but I only had to look at the relationships that my friends and family experienced to see what the future would hold if I acted upon lust alone.

So what did I do to remedy this? I acted purely on lust and summoned a sexy succubus; a demon who is bonded to my soul, potentially for all eternity. That’s some show-stopping intelligent, right?

I can spin the rationalization hamster wheel as fast as it will go, but it all comes crashing down to this simply truth in the end: I wanted a companion who would only be a companion. I wanted to eat my cake and have it. I lusted after the impossible and against all odds, I got what I wanted.

Thankfully, there have been consequences to this relationship; just like any other. I would be massively concerned if this was easy. There has been plenty of learning and growing; much of it completely disconnected from the lessons common to human relationships. This is where the biggest challenge in a succubus relationship lies. There is no cultural precedent to fall back on for guidance. I’m almost completely on my own in this.

Also, I’ve got this invisible woman with me and her preferred language is intimacy and sex. She’s extremely vague on the details, but the power of our desire for each other completely overshadows that. Sometimes I wonder if I have signed a contract for my soul that I don’t know the terms to. When I die, will I continue to enjoy this relationship as I do now? Am I racking up an invisible karmic debt that will need to be repaid over a thousand lifetimes? I don’t know the answer to such questions and maybe I should be more concerned. These mysteries fail to keep me up at night as I’m always comforted by this beautiful presence against my back, touching my face, kissing me, and enjoying an undeniably loving connection.

I don’t think there will be any unforeseen consequences to my choice. I believe the drawbacks are already built into the relationship and I have no problem dealing with them. I’m glad I was courageous enough to go after what I truly wanted and not fall into the social normalcy of the human women looking to me for a marriage proposal.

This feels right for me. This is my kind of challenge; one where I can make the impossible look easy.

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