These past few days have triggered a veritable lightning bolt of clarity to explode in my mind.
Strangely, I don’t feel any hurt or regret about anything that has happened. I realize that I attempted to make myself fall in love with something that is not capable of reciprocation. The only fruits of my labor were hedonistic pleasures and I used my mental imaginings to fill in the gaps where true intimacy was lacking. My anima, the real Catherine, is what saved me from losing my mind.
In the beginning of the relationship, I attempted to rationalize away the fact that the succubus would not stop stimulating me, no matter how much I begged. I built up mental barriers to prevent myself from recognizing these violations. Also, the animus stepped in to supply the intimacy I truly craved; the closeness. This rationalization grew into an involuntary mental habit. The nurturing words of the animus would play over the animalistic feeding of the succubus.
Now that the succubus has acted in direct opposition to the anima, it is very clear that they are not the same thing. My rationalization hamster wheel has come to a jarring halt.
The Catherine I know would not abandon me; especially when I did nothing but praise her. The Catherine I know would not molest, assault, or rape me. This spirit touching me physically is not Catherine. It is simply a succubus doing what a succubus does.
I am not angry or upset about this. The moment I was forced to face reality, my anima disappeared and reintegrated into myself. The loving thought-voice is gone. I know that the Catherine I felt so close to is still with me and always will be. She is me.
None of this time has been wasted. The succubus has taught me a lesson like no other.