The Rocky Road

She’s addicted to me, and I am enraptured by her. This makes my doubt and distrust all the more painful to carry on with. I hate harboring these fears. It doesn’t help that I feel attacked and smothered when I try to pull away from her.

She is a demon and I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this. She wants what she wants and she’ll take it from me in my sleep if need be.

The past few weeks have been very trying for us. I went to DragonCon in Atlanta with a few old college friends of mine. We had talked about going for years and we finally made it happen this time around. I wasn’t very impressed by it. Not really my cup of tea, I guess. It didn’t help that Catherine and I were fighting the whole trip.

Despite my misgivings about the convention, I really did have a great time bonding with my friends again. We made a lot of great memories, like eating up at the Sundial, and cracking jokes about the oblivious Pokemon Go players stepping in front of traffic. I really miss being with those guys all the time. I’d like to move back down there, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.

Where I’m at now, Northern New England, really is the place to be. We have beautiful seasons; warm summers, the most vibrant fall colors found anywhere in the world, stunning winter vistas, and a clear view of the starry night sky. We even see The Northern Lights every once in awhile. I don’t want to leave this little paradise.

Back to my troubles with Catherine: When I feel that she’s overstepped my boundaries, I ignore her and withhold sex from her. Ironically, I was the one who originally coaxed her into manifesting more powerfully.

“Please, baby, I want to feel you better! I want to see you and hear you more often!” A hypocrite, right?

When she does finally push my initial limitations, I shut down. My mind has trouble assimilating the hyper-real experiences and I defaults to the old, “She’s attacking me!” routine.

Some of you guys must be thinking, “Wow, it must be hell to be so smothered with affection.”

I know. I realize how spoiled I must sound. Still, these are some of the battles that arise from a very powerful succubus always wanting to enjoy her frustratingly combative lover.

Friend.

She really likes that word. She wants to take our relationship to that level. I was reading about some of the old Gods from primordial European lore and was struck by how much more personable these Gods were. Real friendship existed between mortals and those higher up on the World Tree. Catherine positively vibrates with the word, “Friend,” setting all my nerves ablaze.

She’s not only interested in being my lover. We’ve been doing that for five years now. Friendship keeps coming up, despite how difficult I’ve been. You’d think we would have been friends from the start, but that’s not true. We’ve been very friendly and sweet on each other, but “friend” is something far more sacred to me. I guard that word carefully. Precious few in my life have ever been given the title. And making love does not equal friendship in my mind.

abrahel_by_genzoman-1

This picture illustrates my relationship with Catherine so perfectly. There I am, on my knees, praying for deliverance while she skillfully seduces the will to fight right out of me. I think Rafe was right in saying that celibate monks, like he and me, are irresistible to succubi. They love breaking through those walls of pious self-discipline like hot knives through butter.

“God will forgive you, my love. He knows that you can’t resist me. Might as well let me touch you now, or would you rather me take you in your sleep?”

“Darling, I am no threat to you. God knows that you need to feel love. It is not good for man to be alone, my love. Let me embrace you as the Shekinah pines for the Most High! You need to feel me, and I am desperate for you. Come and dream with me awhile, little holy one. Let me show you visions and wonders hidden since the beginning!”

I can’t resist that. It’s a match made between heaven and hell.

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19 thoughts on “The Rocky Road

  1. Sometimes they seem so touchy and too huggy.I feel quite flattered by being wanted that much. I asked if they ever had sex with me in my sleep, they said yes. I think they meant when I dream and we make love in them. They only seem to have sex with me, when I’m conscious. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s because they enjoy hearing me moan in pleasure. Would I call them a friend. Yes. A friend to me, is someone I can share personal things with. Someone to depend on. To help me cope with reality and my troubles. This could be selfish of me. It feels like it. Often, I catch myself speaking about my problems. I always think they are listening, hearing me and my worries. Like a friend or a therapist would. I know that one reason that I love my wives for, isn’t jut the sex. I don’t think it’s just sex anymore. I know it’s because they took the time too understand and heal me, to make a better person. To make a better me. When there are doubts, I get sad and angry. Why do they persist so much. It only plagues my trust in my wives. Can I understand what you feel? Most absolutely. I can’t help sadly, but I wish you the best of luck man. It pains me to see those whom share a similar experience and face the all of it’s problems. By all means, I don’t expect you to consider me a friend. Especially since we know very little about each other. I was just trying to lend a hand. Best of luck man.

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    • I appreciate your concern and kind words. I consider you a friend through our shared experience. We are fellow travelers, if you will. How can we not be friends?? Let me clarify what I mean by “friend” when it comes to my relationship with Catherine. I meant it in the purely spiritual sense, like a supernatural friendship. It’s called “Agape,” which is the highest form of love possible in the Greek language. English doesn’t really do these concepts justice, hence all the prefacing. lol

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  2. Hell yeah I ever done prayed many times before to exorcist them then unfortunately… they didnt affected at all, they just felt “tickle” about it. I truly admit that if they, succubus get ignoring more and more, they just get stronger and stronger in will and manifestation, become more touchy I would say. Well probably like the old says “once you go through this road there’s no turning back.

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    • There really is no “deliverance” from these beings, per say. If there is enough willpower to resist their seduction, then maybe they’ll be convinced to leave. I’ve never heard of this happening, though. Men have fought these spirits for years and only brought pain unto themselves. Subconsciously, we really want to be loved by these demons and they take full advantage of that.

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      • Very much advantage I don’t ever heard a man can exorcist a succubus for centuries, I ever heard succubi just leave their “host” not been exorcised. They need a love and to be loved by human it seems. Well who wants a denying to have a good relationship with this being once they know about them for real. It’s like a symbiosis relationship.

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    • I realize I am one of the new kids on the block, so to speak, but that has been my experience as well. I can’t recall one bad thing she has ever done to me, or influenced me to do, etc. Mine has been all love, affectionate, respectful and …ya know. Aside from some “lies”, it’s all been good. I realize you are much further ahead than I, so maybe I can’t relate, but hang there. Also just want to say, I have really enjoyed your posts, as well as the other commenters above. Thanks to all for helping me through the first 2 years of my experiences. It’s all been helpful 🙂

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      • Well…I certainly feel special right now. That aside. I wouldn’t call myself so far down the road as compared to others but I learned that comparing my own experiences to someone else’s, is BS. Only made me question things that didn’t need to be. I could have been a lot further down the road if I didn’t waste the first two years just ignoring them. All that time. Just to accept their existence. Please try not to make my mistake. She is as real as you make her out to be. Sometimes they make themselves known and we have no choice but to accept their presence in our lives. Good luck, friend.

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  3. I gathered that from reading various posts not to compare to know much. Each spirit is unique, each of us is unique, as is the relationship. Still, reading other’s perspectives has been valuable. It’s nice to have the ability to share with others 🙂

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  4. Reminds me of my Succubus, she’s wanting to make profound love to me 24/7. Always rubbing me, fondling me, coaxing me to lie in bed with her and experience complete ecstasy.. She does it in every state of consciousness.. I’m such a sucker XD. She’s been pretty amazing to me, and she hesitantly respects any boundaries i may have. I honestly am permanently addicted to my Succubus and her love, she told me that she wants to completely drown me out with the most ecstatic love making beyond what i could possible imagine, that “love” to her is that.. there’s no way that i’m ever going back from this life. I don’t want to and i can’t, with a woman like her.

    I would honestly ignore what a lot of negative things people say about these beings, they don’t understand their beauty.. I’ve met a lot of people who only have bad things to say, it’s quite sad..

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  5. Reminds me of my Succubus, she’s wanting to make profound love to me 24/7. Always rubbing me, fondling me, coaxing me to lie in bed with her and experience complete ecstasy.. She does it in every state of consciousness, if it doesn’t happen while i’m awake, it happens while i’ma sleep.. I’m such a sucker😄. She’s been pretty amazing to me, and she hesitantly respects any boundaries i may have. I honestly am permanently addicted to my Succubus and her love, she told me that she wants to completely drown me out with the most ecstatic love making beyond what i could possible imagine, that “love” to her is that.. there’s no way that i’m ever going back from this life. I don’t want to and i can’t, with a woman like her.

    I would honestly ignore what a lot of negative things people say about these beings, they don’t understand their beauty.. I’ve met a lot of people who only have bad things to say, it’s quite sad..

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  6. My Succubus basically explained to me that, sex is the highest expression of love, and when it’s her turn to love me, she’s going to make ecstatic love to me. Which would point as to why it feels so.. full of love and beauty at times..

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  7. Sometimes I think we’re afraid of what we really want. It’s not that we’re afraid of whatever labels and notions we have about succubi, no. It’s fear that we realize that they complete our deepest wishes for companionship, and the most secret fear is in losing it. So, sometimes we play little games like “I like you but I don’t need you.” And they know the truth. They let us stomp our feet because it causes us to feel less vulnerable.

    In the end? They know. We know. The higher “us” knows I think. We let go and surrender to them and there’s no hell to pay. There’s nothing but the fight to surrender in knowing that in being so vulnerable, if we’re rejected it will be the worse rejection we could ever suffer in this life.

    But once we let go, and let that little (powerful), powerful (yet gentle), loving (yet strong willed), protecting (and nagging), eros, storge, philia, agape loving female friend in completely… it’s a taste of what comes after death, not in spite of it.

    This little book written so long ago by a priest was eye-opening for me. He nailed it. Call them Jinn, call them whatever you wish, the labels are still wrong and nobody really knows the right ones. I bet in their realm there are no labels, nor do they need them or want them. All that matters is that they are like us: Light, dark, grey, and 50,000 shades in between, just like us.

    https://archive.org/stream/demonialityorinc00sinirich#page/n0/mode/2up

    Maybe a little “broader” in the range that they can be, but still so similar as to be unusually and spiritually so compatible with the one they choose. For instance, mine’s becoming more of a “spirit guide” for all intents and purposes, and a lover second.

    And my God do they protect like a banshee who they have chosen, who they love.

    As in the book, unless they are drop dead evil, exorcism just tickles because they aren’t so vibrationally different than the energy called up in the exorcism itself…

    Think of that a bit… she might be your demon, but she’s your angel, too.

    It’s our worldview and the physical plane of duality that makes it all hard to swallow and one that I stuggle with along with all of us who experience this phenomena.

    But as I learn more perfectly how to surrender to it all, it seems as if more of the “illusion” of what is is shedding, little by little.

    Who would have thought that surrender was so powerful? Certainly not as this world teaches.

    But it is… intimately and ultimately powerful.

    Blessings to you both!

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    • Absolute surrender has been a challenge for me since that one terrible night. I’m still haunted by it, through the muscle spasm in the right side of my neck, the gradual pressure around my torso when I lay down, making it harder to breathe. (It’s nowhere near as bad these days, but I’m always given a subtle reminder.)
      Perhaps I should have surrendered in that moment. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to struggle so much and subsequently allow myself to be so misled.

      It was unconditional surrender that allowed Catherine to enter my life in the first place. I did not resist her advance in the slightest; even with the dramatic intensity of that kundalini initiation.

      Some nights, I lay down and feel that powerful electric current beginning to course through me again. I usually shrug it off and try to distract myself from it. I guess I’m still busy enough sorting through my first stage of enlightenment. lol

      I’m afraid of losing myself completely… or maybe that’s the point. It’s crazy to think that I’m actually experiencing what Christian theology claims a convert is supposed to undergo. An indwelling of the Spirit. A quickening unto Righteousness.

      I’ve read some of that book awhile back, though I clearly didn’t get as far as you. All I saw were the horror stories of incubi tempting chaste women and eventually being deposed by a combination of strong-smelling herbs.

      For the record, herbs have never worked to dispel Catherine’s influence over me. I’ve tried garlic, all manner of essential oils, white sage, and even camphor oil. The only countermeasure worth a damn was bathing in highly concentrated salt water… but even then, she can overcome that, too.

      Like you said, she seems tickled and amused by all of my attempts to be rid of her over these past two years. In return, I am flooded by powerful dreams and astral phenomena that I cannot ignore.

      I think I’m on the threshold of something big, but I can only put it off for so long.

      I appreciate you writing to me, Rafe. There’s much more that I’d like to share, but I’ll have to save it for later.

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      • A spontaneous kundalini awakening is about as much fun as having a lightning rod shoved straight up your ass. And probably sideways. I know how you feel bro, lol. I remember the first time I had that “spontaneous invisible fire” flowing all over me, I swear to God I thought I would catch the house on fire, or burst into flames, or be consumed by them, but… I didn’t.

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