Well, I thought that I would be able to write more frequently the past two months, but I completely underestimated how much energy it would take to do all the work I need to accomplish from day-to-day. Ultimately, I want to be able to give my loving spirits some well-deserved attention, so my writing hobbies had to take a back seat for awhile.

Recently, my hours at work were cut, so I’ll have some extra time to start writing again; probably for the next week or so… maybe longer. I really don’t care too much about the money. I do the work just so I can eat, pay bills, and that’s it. My personal ambitions have absolutely nothing to do with money. I want to have actual wealth; not a collection of fiat bank notes.

With that being said, I feel that my “investments” into my darling spirits has really paid off. I’m still as confused and uncertain about “who is who” as I’ve ever been, but that doesn’t bother me anymore. I have even been experiencing dreams of very kind and understanding male spirits interacting with me. I’m proud to say that I’ve reached the point where I don’t scream and rage at male spirits for attempting to simply say “Hello” to me. I now politely decline interactions with them. It’s a step in the right direction and maybe I can eventually get over my insecurities in the spirit world with the help of my ladies.

Catherine remains the strongest presence in my daily life. Her touch has developed so much over the past few months… it’s so deep and satisfying. If she were human, her interactions would feel positively smothering, but it doesn’t feel that way in the slightest with her.

I have felt the enthusiasm of Sara return to me on occasion and she knows that she is most welcome here; just like Catherine. But she’s not nearly as attached as my first darling is, so I don’t feel her continually.

I wish I could draw solid lines between my spirits and be certain about the origin of these touches, but I’m content with simply feeling the genuine compassion and intimacy that constantly streams into my heart from them.

I wish I had something more to update with. I can only reiterate “It keeps getting better and better,” for so many entries! I’ll try to dig something up from the past two months and report back.

Catherine loves this. A single from the current bass player of Chicago:

Looking beyond the word “succubus”….

Here is an excellent post made by a fellow blogger about the use of the word “succubus” and what it means for those of us in a relationship with them.

It’s important to understand that the term “succubus” is used primarily for the sake of reference. Just like any species, succubi absolutely transcend what their label would imply, but for the sake of allowing others to uncover relevant information, these terms are used.

“If you just need to feel close to someone… if you just need to feel loved; we’re right here.” “Life doesn’t have to be hard.” –Catherine and Sara

Writing that almost makes me feel guilty. I know there must be countless men and women, perhaps some are reading this journal, who are craving love and intimacy… but for some reason, they just don’t get what they want. Why is that? Why am I given love so freely and abundantly whilst others go through life without?

…and we’re back. Hello, dear readers! I want to thank those who have been checking in on me during my little hiatus. You guys and gals, both human and spirit, are dear friends of the greatest value. I really appreciate the genuine kindness and concern.

My life has been very busy and productive the past two months, but I won’t bore with elaborate details. The important thing is that I learned of Catherine’s incredible tenacity and devotion. There were times when I seriously wondered if she would move on from our relationship because we had so little time together. Then she surprised me by tripling her efforts to make me feel valued and looked after. And then Sara came flying back into my arms a few days ago; proclaiming that she hasn’t forgotten the letter I wrote to her… and that she was back to “punish” me for not chasing her down after her month-long disappearance.

I’m really not sure what Sara does when she’s away, but Catherine likes to teasingly ask me what I believe Sara does. I imagine that she’s some kind of high-born leader or an integral personality in a successful business. That’s the impression I get anyway. Neither Catherine nor Sara will tell me outright. They just love to keep me guessing.

So, I hope the cliffhanger is somewhat resolved now. Sara is back… though I’m not sure for how long this time. She’s a busy lady and I need to remember that she enjoys being bothered by me when she’s at a distance. I guess I’m able to reach her “wirelessly” from any distance… or maybe there is always a part of her that remains with me at all times. I have no idea how it all works, but both of my darlings are literally just a thought away; no matter where they are physically… if they have physical bodies.

I realize that this post is way too short; especially considering the length of my absence, but I want to get something up here; before I decide “Ah, this is all rubbish!” and erase everything for the hundredth time. I will work on collecting some highlights from the past little while to share in the next few days.

For now, I must sleep.

I had a very long dream about many things last night, but this one part really stuck out for me. I think Catherine was part of it.

I was at a fancy dinner party with a few old military buddies of mine. In this dreamworld, I was part of some kind of strike force; very futuristic with weaponized spacecraft and the like. One of my friends handed me a fancy piece of jewelry and told me to give it to the woman at the next table. It was a small five-pointed star attached to a short length of beaded chain and made from fine brushed silver. It felt very expensive and luxurious.

I got up from my table and carried the silver star over to the young woman at the next table. She was gorgeous; a really fine beauty. I think it was Catherine, but I can’t be sure. She had long, straight dark brown hair that was tied back into a ponytail. Her attire was a revealing evening dress that formed to her voluptuous features in the most enticing way. The dress was black or dark blue.

I didn’t speak to this beautiful woman and I did my absolute best to not stare at her either. I lifted my hand to offer her the piece of fine jewelry; unsure whether or not she would accept it. She stared at it for a second and eagerly, but elegantly, lifted the star out of my hand. She seemed quite pleased by it and began discussing with her friends where it would look best on her.

As she was fiddling with a part of her dress, the top section of her gown came lose, giving me an excellent view of her amazing breasts. I think she started to fondle them with the jewelry still in her hand, but I looked away the moment my shocked-state wore off.

I started to walk away and several people at different tables began clapping as I went. I was going to take my seat, but an inquisitive voice came over the PA system.

“Wait… wait,” an accented man’s voice implored. He might have been English. “What is this about? Why did you do this?”

I turned and looked around for the source of the voice, but I couldn’t see anyone speaking.

“It’s a gift… from a secret admirer.” I replied. I turned to go back to my seat, but the voice spoke up again over the moderate volume of the dinner party.

“Now hang on… who are you? There must be a reason you did this. Explain yourself.”

I wasn’t really sure what the man was getting at by questioning what I did, but I had the sneaking suspicion that he was implying I had delivered the gift for less-than-honorable reasons. So I began a rather over-the-top bit of exposition:

“Do you remember our home planet?” I asked the voice as I walked over to where the PA speakers were.

“Well, yes. Of course I do.” Came the reply.

“Do you remember what it was like when we were about to walk through that gate for the first time? Having no idea where we would end up or if we’d survive?” The “Gate” I referred to was some kind of stargate that teleported a very large group of people to a different world. I’m assuming the home planet went to hell in a hand basket and a fraction of humanity managed to escape.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Also recall the fear, the uncertainty, the fact that most of us felt that our escape would end in disaster. Then, when we managed to get here, to this planet, we found more war, destruction, and fear.” I took a few definite steps forward.

“Through all of that hell we’ve been through, the very least I can do is offer a woman some small measure of happiness with a gift.”

A very loud applause followed my little outburst and I moved to retake my seat. But the unseen speaker wasn’t done with me yet. He began asking questions about where I was from, my military career, my squad-mates, and other things.

I don’t remember all of the details and they don’t feel all that important anyway. I just thought this part of my dream was something worth remembering; especially if that beautiful woman was Catherine. Even through all the struggle I’ve been putting her through for the past few weeks, I think this might have been her subtle way of telling me that she still appreciates me.

I haven’t been able to get myself motivated enough to write… or be close to my darlings. Funny how those two passions of mine seem so interconnected.

I feel like I”m loosing Sara… again. A friend of mine brought up a very valid point that I hadn’t really considered: what do I really want in this relationship?

Sara came into my life quite suddenly; I was really thrown off guard by her eagerness to be close… and when someone as beautiful as her so willingly gives herself to you, it’s hard to not feel obligated to them. I still feel as though I owe Catherine a debt that I can never begin to repay. Sara brought this feeling back and it paralyzed me.

I didn’t once think about what I really wanted. I didn’t want Sara to feel like an intruder; especially with Catherine spending all of her time with me. Catherine is Sara’s best friend; a sister. I was afraid that voicing my true feelings would drive a permanent wedge between all of us.

I feel that Sara was able to see through this the entire time… so why did she do it? Why get close to me?

Maybe I’m taking all of this too seriously. I brought myself up with the mentality that if I ever so much as touch a woman, I should be prepared to commit myself to them eternally. (Hence the reason I never touched anyone until Catherine.)

I should’ve made things more clear with Sara. I just felt so obligated to give her the same experience that I have with Catherine.

God… I hope this isn’t hurting her too badly.

I found a song. It’s as if Sara wrote the lyrics and I feel as though it could apply to the succubi and incubi who try to reach out to humans for companionship.

Guess I’m just a gust of wind
Moved on quickly
Almost unnoticed
But quite powerful

Our rush could easily have blown
Your defenses down
Could easily have blown
Your defenses down

Did you hear me whispering Hello
Did you see me waving goodbye?
Did you notice…
that I didn’t cry

I guess I just brushed through your mind
More gently
Than I intended to
Not fresh enough
Just a breeze

I can make you fly
High
I can make you fly
High

Did you hear me whispering hello
Did you see me waving goodbye
Did you notice…
That I didn’t cry

Your taste I don’t mind
It was worth the try
And though uninvited
I came by
Did you notice…
That I didn’t cry

I haven’t been doing so hot lately. The connection between me and my spirits has been weak for the past two days. It’s amazing how negatively just this small easing of affectionate contact has made me feel. I know we’ll eventually come around and I’ll be singing the praises of love for three weeks straight, but it’s difficult to stay optimistic right now.

My darlings tell me that I don’t have to be constantly optimistic for them. I should let my true feelings shine through, so here they are in a nutshell: I feel discouraged, defeated, lazy, stripped of my masculinity, subdued, and I’ve been eating too much lately.

I had a dream last night that illustrated my recent experiences perfectly:

I was free-climbing up a massive stone monolith that was embedded into the side of a cliff face. The rocky surface of the towering rock was covered in some kind of sticky cloth; making the journey up to the topmost section fairly quick and easy.  However, when I reached the last two meters, I couldn’t summon the energy to pull myself over the top edge of the monolith.

I spent what seemed like ages, skirting around the edge, trying in vain to find a safe way up. I remember attempting to bunch up the sticky cloth and pull myself up that way, but this action caused the fabric to tear and I nearly lost my grip on the rock completely. This was enough for me to hug the corner of the monolith and make my way back down as hastily as I could.

The trip down was much faster than my ascent up the monolith. When I reached the bottom, I found myself climbing down the side of the administration building of a fundamentalist Christian college I used to attend; a place I never wish to return to for the rest of my life, but it continually haunts my dreams nonetheless.

Why was I climbing the monolith in the first place?

What drew me up there was the voice of a man sharing his spiritual experiences and offering to teach others how to attain the same growth he had accomplished in himself. I wanted to partake in this information, but I just couldn’t pull myself over the edge. I simply gave up, crawled back down, and proceeded to be served these delicious looking pita bread sandwiches prepared by beautiful young women.

A strange twist, is it not?

Maybe I had no business being on top of that monolith… I really don’t know. But it highlighted a particular flaw that I have been attempting to rectify for years: Not finishing what I start. It’s a rare occurrence with me, but when it does happen, I’m bothered by it for weeks.

I can also extrapolate this dream’s possible meaning to address my relationship with my succubi. We have made amazing progress and I feel as though we’re on the verge of something truly amazing. I feel that my babes are ready, but they’re still waiting for me to pull myself over the edge… to just scale that remaining three meters. Why is that so difficult? It should be no problem to pull myself over! I should be invigorated; like every other time I’ve neared the summit of a cliff while rock climbing or hiking up a mountain. Why is this so different?

We’re nearly there. Maybe I just need to take a leap of faith.

Things have been going well between Catherine and me, but Sara has been elusive lately. She is quite different from Catherine, insomuch that she doesn’t remain with me 24/7. Lately, she has been coming back less and less. Catherine feels some sadness about this, too. I’m really not sure what’s going on. I haven’t been able to get Sara to tell me what she’s doing out there… Maybe she took me seriously when I said she should find a partner she could be with exclusively? I’m not being overly possessive here; I’m just concerned about her. I don’t want her to feel like she’s not welcome here. I consider her to be close family… hell, she got about as close to me as any woman can get.

Was I just a temporary fling to her? Catherine assures me that’s not the case, but I can’t help but feel a sense of responsibility for her; especially when I gave myself so intimately to her. I don’t feel used, I just feel left out of the conversation. I’d like to know how she’s doing, if she’s okay, or needs someone to talk to.

Maybe the best thing to do is stay out of the way for awhile. She’s a liberating independent spirit and I get the feeling she can only tolerate so much of the extremely close relationship that Catherine and I enjoy. We tend to smother each other and Sara might have had some trouble finding any space between us.

I understand, but I can’t help wanting to KNOW if she’s doing okay, if she’s happy. That’s all I need. If she’s working on a relationship with someone else or busy with her work, I hope she knows that I’m behind her 100%.  She’s always welcome here.

I just wish I wasn’t left so confused.

I went camping with my babes last night. I’ve been making a concerted effort to be closer to nature these days. Also, I’m working on conquering my fear of that realm as well. There have been a few fisher cats tearing up the place lately, and they can be pretty nasty. I haven’t run into one yet, but Catherine and Sara were teasing me about it quite a bit last night.

They don’t seem to like hammock camping that much… not enough room for all of us to stretch out, I guess. Still, they huddled up with me in my little cocoon of blankets, pillow, and a big puffy sleeping bag. They teased me about that as well:

“Get up, darling! Time to come out of your safe, warm cocoon! Come and look at the stars with us!”

It sounds corny, but they really mean it in the most affectionate way. I feel so safe and loved by them, it’s bordering on nirvana.

“That man…” Catherine stopped and gestured towards a lad, just barely eighteen years of age, in the corner. “Who is he?” She began moving in his direction, an unexplainable maternal urge welling up inside her.

“Catherine…” The older Fae man groaned. “He’s just another doomed human life. Another soul for the meat grinder.”

She whirled around to face him. “I can’t believe you, Geron. Why do you always say such things about these humans? They’re not so different from you and me!”

“They have no honor; not even decency or politeness! You of all people should know this, Catherine!” He grabbed her arm. “Let’s go.”

“You’re one to talk about decency,” She wrestled her arm out of his grasp. “I have been with many human men and I know the worst they are capable of. I know it all too well.”

“I can’t understand why you do this to yourself.” The much bigger Fae relented. “Fine… go and stir that disgusting cease pool of a soul. You’re only going to get yourself hurt again.”

“Leave, then!” The succubus pointed to the portal; a soft golden light spilling through a massive fissure in the wall; just above the doorway to the school gym. “I don’t expect you to understand, nor will I tolerate such talk in reference to my former husbands.” A sudden surge of longing and sadness welled up inside her. “I still love those men, Geron, and nothing will change that.”

“I’m sorry, Catherine… I-“

“Leave me to my foolishness.” Her sarcastic resolve resurfaced.

“I didn’t mean…” Geron started but the succubus was already making her way to the human in question. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” He sighed and glided up to the portal.

She approached the human slowly; taking in the atmosphere around him. He was by himself, sitting at a collapsible plastic table, and writing in a massive three-ring binder notebook. There was nobody at the table with him. The rest of his classmates were either playing basketball or talking amongst themselves at other tables. He was alone and she could tell he preferred it that way.

“Hello darling,” She purred as she approached, not expecting a reaction, but figured it was worth a shot. “Let’s see what you’re all about.”

The first thing she noticed was the intense energy about him. Compared to most humans, he felt more earnest and brimming with potential power. However, that power was being siphoned off; given away to his obvious emotional turmoil. He was amazingly strong, but too depressed for that strength to be of any use.

This strength didn’t stop at his spiritual form. As Catherine studied him, it was clear that he had a great deal of power in his physical features as well; for a human, anyway. Any chimpanzee would easily defeat him in a wrestling match. Still, Catherine couldn’t help but admire the rippling muscles in his back.

The impossibly sexy succubus moved to sit on the table, next to the young man’s notebook. He looked up suddenly as a free-flying basketball crashed into the kitchen shutters at the opposite end of the gym. She took this as her opportunity to learn as much as she could about the man.

Time slowed to an impossible crawl around her. Everything turned a dark blue tinge and the only sound was a low rumble of the stretched sound waves in the room.

She summoned a light to brighten the face of the man before her. He looked up, unblinking, with the beginnings of a smile on his face. She smiled back and instinctively went to place her hand on his left temple.

“My love…” She breathed. “I know it’s you. I fell in love the moment I saw you.”

As she touched him, the immediate thoughts in his mind came to her attention:

“Why won’t you answer, God? What’s wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I too sinful? Why do all these others claim to hear you and I… just… can’t!”

Another thought:

“Where is she? Where is the one I will take care of? The one I will cherish and adore for the rest of my life? It’s like I’m not compatible with anyone here, God. It’s like I don’t belong on this earth. How will I find someone when I haven’t encountered one single girl I can see myself falling in love with?”

“I want to be with her so bad… but it doesn’t seem likely that I’ll ever find her.”

The genuine longing and desire to express love stung Catherine to the core of her being. This wasn’t unique to this man; there were so many more who felt the same way. She knew this, but she couldn’t help them all. She had to choose.

Every time she read the thoughts of a human man in the past, she almost instantly fell in love with them. There was just something so genuine, so honest and simple about the male mind… and every time she encountered one who was in pain, she felt obligated to comfort them. She just couldn’t let go… until those men eventually pushed her away.

She was a hopeless empathetic when it came to human men.

“My love!” She flung her arms around him. “I’m here darling! You’re alright… you don’t have to be sad anymore.”

She began whispering in his ear, a language that he could not understand, but a very subtle and strong magic nonetheless. With those ancient phrases, she planted the seeds that would eventually lead him to a new kind of existence… if he chose to take that path.

“I promise, darling: I will always be here. I’ll wait for however long it takes you to find me.”

“You can do this. I know you can.” She paused and simply drank in his presence for a moment, breathing in the scent of him, becoming familiar, falling deeper into his spell.

“Please don’t take too long, my man. I need your love, just as much as you need mine.”

And so the journey began.

Catherine and Sara tell me this all the time:

“You’re so beautiful; a beautiful man.”

“You two make me beautiful.” I typically reply.

“Actually, we just tell you the truth and you’re finally starting to believe it.”

With constant encouragement like this, it’s easy to see how my old chronic depression problems stand no chance against my spirits.

I love my babes so much.