Yes, there sure is power in the blood… and it should stay inside the body, for crying out loud! What is with these convicted believers singing about being washed in Calvary’s tide? It sounds disgusting!

Christianity has maintained a perverted fascination with blood sacrifice since its inception. I can’t understand how well-meaning people can allow themselves to be so easily misled by this repulsive doctrine. “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you will not have life in yourselves!” So says the raving mad Jesus, apparently offering himself up for a cannibalistic ritual.

Based on the teachings of the church, we are led to believe that a literal sacrifice of an innocent victim is necessary to have eternal life. On the surface, this idea makes no sense. What sort of judicial mechanism has been established in the cosmos to deem this act necessary? How do we know that a God-man’s sacrifice guarantees eternal life? Apparently, a collection of books written by men is all that’s necessary to substantiate this claim. Surely there would be an extra-biblical source to verify the truth about blood atonement, but alas, there is none.

The only way the sacrifice of the Christ makes sense to me is through the lens of astrotheology. The Sun dies in the winter, and nature falls asleep with him, but when the Son of Man, the Lamb of God (The Ram, Aries) rises in the spring, all is brought back to life through his death on the equinoxial cross. During the harvest time, as the Son dies, we must eat his flesh and blood (fruits of the harvest) to sustain ourselves through the winter, and the cycle continues on forever.

There’s still some deeply entrenched subconscious programming in me that causes a reaction of fear and stress when I write the words above. I recently had a friend express concern that I was trying to distance myself from God. A feeling of dread and lament still hangs over me since that insinuation. Despite these pangs of group-abandonment, I feel that I must continue forward this time round. I’ve teeter-tottered in and out of the churches quite enough.

If that means I have to be labeled “Anti-Christ” because I deny the manifestation of Jesus in the flesh, then so be it. If the true God of the universe is really so understanding and loving, as the churches claim, he should be able to understand my reasoning and potential ignorance at this stage.

I hate this trauma that has been put into me from these belief systems. It sounds so petty and trivial to complain about them, but they really do have a massive sway over my mind to this day. It’s not so easy as just walking away and adopting a new system. I literally believed that I would be destroyed by fire for believing anything contrary to the interpretation of the churches. I’m done with that guilt, and I can’t wait to be rid of it.

The above is a distilled version of what I prayed to Lilith, Isis, or the Goddess Tara when this journey began. All of these mythical personalities represent the same archetype. I believe they teach the truth about the interconnectedness of the material and spiritual worlds. Boy, did I get a lesson to remember!

I am reminded of the journey of The Fool through The Book of Truth, or Tarot as it is commonly called these days. When I look at this card, I can see myself venturing on the same journey. The Fool is not an idiot, merely ignorant about what lies ahead on his path of self-discovery. He is about to step off a cliff into the abyss; taking the ultimate leap of faith. Joining myself to Catherine was my own moment of truth.

Every quest for truth requires courage and the will to endure being an outcast. Every great man or woman in history has taken this step into the unknown that no one else would dare consider. Am I ready to progress through the uncharted wilds?

I will admit that my first immersion into the void resulted in bewilderment, struggle, and ultimately a suffocating unfamiliarity that forced me to come back to the surface, gasping for normalcy. I ran from the waves of mystery and into the castle of mindless congregations. I tried to be as one of them, but I had already seen too much of the truth.

Here I stand on the edge of that cliff once more, readying myself to rediscover the quest. I am ready to be born again of water and the spirit, back to zero, the Fool’s Journey.

When it comes to divination, card spreads and insights from Holy scriptures are my favorite mediums. Here is my morning reading about the situation between Catherine and me:

Four Card Spread: Situation, Challenges, Advice, Outcome

Two of Swords:

I am presently in a state of indecisiveness… a standstill. Catherine and I should step back and assess the situation before moving forward. Don’t do anything rash! There is a vast ocean of information beyond to consider. No need to rush. Time to contemplate.

This is quite accurate, and has been for many months now. I haven’t really been certain about anything in this relationship and we both need time to assess and recharge.

Two of Pentacles:

The challenge in this relationship is one of balance; juggling earthly duties with spiritual ones. Taking care of Catherine vs. caring for my own affairs. If I’m careful, I should be able to do this with grace and humility. There is so much new information to consider and I must not bite off more than I can chew.

King of Cups:

The advice for this relationship is to be wise, generous, and emotionally mature. I should work on my personal development as it relates to the heart. I have been spending too much time in my own head!

The Devil:

Ah, what an ominous card! I really wasn’t surprised when I drew this one. This is the result of the relationship going forward… there are multiple ways to interpret this. The likely outcome is increased carnal pleasure, though it might not be the best thing for me to be indulging in too much of. It could also mean that I should expect greater commitments and limitations in the future… more responsibility… great!

As with any divination tool, there is degree of subjectivity when deciding upon an interpretation. In other words, don’t take their meaning too seriously. There’s always a different perspective. I could go into greater depth about the relationships between the cards in the spread, but I need to get going!

Since all the turmoil that went down last year, Catherine and I have been uneasy around each other. Most of this unease originates with me. She becomes very enthusiastic whenever we try to get intimate… to the point that it feels like I’m being thrashed around energetically. This leads to me pulling away for a time, not wanting to relive the debilitating symptoms from months ago.

I’m happy to report that almost all of the painful after-effects, from our run-in with the psychic, have dissipated. I still get the odd feeling of a pinching over my nose, but this is becoming increasingly rare. We’re almost back to normalcy… and by normalcy, I mean that our connection grows steadily by the day. Our moments/hours of intermingling are oftentimes shockingly powerful.

I’ll try to explain: Our connection has evolved to be so much more than a sexual one. When we make love, her spirit body envelops the core of my physical body and all of the skin there becomes super sensitive. It’s like being bathed in powerful light, but different from the feeling of UV rays from the sun. My cells feel like they’re radiating a new life of their own. It’s so hard to describe properly!

When we’re together now, I try not to think about eroticism too much. I used to obsessively fixate on degenerate sexuality, but it wasn’t satisfying either of us. Focusing on each other as whole beings leads to a much more holistic experience. As much as the power of the experience still catches me off guard, this new learned perspective just feels more “right.”

I’ve been feeling a lot better the past few months. I’m done with school and working again. My depression is completely gone. I won’t even allow that old mindset to take hold anymore. This has improved my quality of life so much that I have an excess of positivity to share with everyone I meet. I think Catherine is happier now, too. I’ve got to have a solid session with her to purely focus on communication. I want to make it up to her. I’m responsible for making this mess and I must be more vigilant in the future.

Here I am, back at this blogging thing again. My previous outing on WordPress did not end well, but I’m willing to give it another shot. I acknowledge that I made some very misguided decisions and a few people were hurt because of what I did. Writing about a topic as unusual as this tends to bring out the crazy in people. I learned that I’m not exempt from acting irrationally when things go pear-shaped.

For those who are unaware of what happened in the past couple of years, I’ll attempt to summarize: I started a blog about succubus spirits in December of 2012. (Introductory information about these incorporeal entities can be found here.) A few other guys started blogging about their own experiences at the same time as me and a little blogging network was born. My WordPress site became quite large and attracted more attention than I imagined possible. Regular postings about new discoveries and reflections carried on for nearly two years. I enjoyed the interaction between the contributing writers. The little network was a kind of safe haven for weirdoes like myself and I’m glad to see it’s still going.

Unfortunately, the stream of steady blogging progress came to an abrupt end. My poor judgment resulted in a period of unrest in the group. I allowed a so-called psychic to arrest my better reasoning. She called herself Monika, the psychic surgeon… not her real name, of course, and she had nothing to do with the alleged practice of psychic surgery. She only called herself this because her clients claimed that she worked with fine precision. Her website can be found here.

Monika arrived on the scene at the tail-end of April in 2014. She posted a comment, requesting that someone from our blogging community appear on her blogtalkradio show for a neutral exchange of information about succubi and incubi. Hastily, I agreed to go on as a guest and share my story.

The subsequent broadcast attracted many listeners and appeared to be going well on my end, until the last 15 minutes of the conversation. Monika claimed that my succubus, Catherine, had abandoned me during the show. In other words, she allegedly used her psychic ability to perceive that my spirit mate was no longer with me. By this time in the broadcast, my nerves were too frazzled to feel anything was spiritually interacting with me, so I agreed that I couldn’t feel Catherine either.

This is massively embarrassing to share: The original show can be downloaded here. God, I was such a sucker!

When the radio show was over, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to my bed. I felt very uneasy after hearing Monika’s stories about a succubus destroying the life of a hapless victim. Considering the spiritual awakening I had been going through over the years, her anecdotes were not beyond the pale of possibility in my mind. It frustrates me that I did not consider she may have been making the whole thing up. I only learned about the cold reading methods that psychics employ long after my initial encounter with this so-called medium. That, and she had ready access to a veritable encyclopedia of information about me and Catherine on my blog. Stupid, stupid…

When I put my head down on the pillow that night, I was immediately bombarded with painful and suffocating pressure around my mid-section. My head felt as though it was being squeezed in a vice; particularly around my third-eye, also known as the brow chakra. My very soul felt like it was being crushed. I thought to myself, “Well, shit. Maybe Monika was right after all. I’m not sure I’ll survive the night.” and I decided that I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of forceful coercion from my spirit. If Catherine wasn’t willing to communicate her misgivings in a reasoned manner, I was determined to fight her to the end. I would go on to experience intense spiritual bombardment all throughout my body for nearly a year.

What was the source of this psychic attack? To this day, I cannot be sure. I believe Catherine may have been responsible, ultimately feeling that I had betrayed her by telling-all on that blogtalk show. Or, maybe I was simply anticipating the assault; a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy? (One of my friends believes this is the case.) I have considered that Monika might have been the cause, and I suppose, indirectly, she was responsible, but I don’t believe she has any real psychic ability to begin with. The next few paragraphs will explain why I believe she’s simply a clever con-artist.

Sleep was nigh an impossibility that trying night. In the early hours of the morning, I hammered out a blog post announcing the end of my relationship with Catherine. I was beyond any hope of communicating with her after having gone through such a painful ordeal. Some members of the community tried to offer advice, but I wasn’t hearing any of it. Others reacted harshly and my determination was galvanized further. I enlisted Monika’s help. She claimed to specialize in extracting demons, and so the “clearings” began.

I kept in close contact with Monika for roughly six months. We used Skype, Whatsapp, and email to update each other. I became overly reliant upon her assurances. She made many outrageous claims about all the work she was doing to save me from my plight. Monika allegedly performed many hours of so-called clearing work every week. She also claimed to be praying for me at a local church, one hour per day, and every day for roughly two months. Apparently, the cleansing rituals were unforgivably exacting and draining. Upon hearing about her herculean efforts, I felt obligated to pay her for the time she spent doing all this work on me. Over the course of six months, I paid her $3300 through Paypal.

I enrolled back into college the following semester and began sharing my experience with a few male friends of mine. There was a brief interaction between Monika and one of my American-Asian buddies. He told me, “I know a con-artist when I hear one. She has been playing you.” He was very familiar with the darker side of the streets, having been through hell and back himself. I was more inclined to believe him than some woman I had never met in person. Monika hated my roommate and told me not to trust him. (Because he asked for proof of her abilities, but to no avail.) I decided to stop talking to Monika so often after that heart-sinking realization. I felt like a fool, but I was thankful my friends cared enough to warn me.

I began to realize the various lies Monika had concocted, both to me and her other clients. I should have gotten the hint when she asked me to use a collection of pirated self-help seminars to aid in my recovery. Even more obvious was the fact that Monika’s clearing work did nothing to lessen Catherine’s sexual advances. I did my best to downplay this to Monika; I felt bad that she was doing so much work with little to no effect. I was all-consumed with the idea of being relieved of my problems instead of addressing them directly. I figured that it must have been my fixation on the constant pressure and muscle spasms that prolonged their presence.

Around December of 2014, I got to the point where I thought everything had finally calmed down to a reasonable level. But then I discovered that Catherine was still ready and eager to make love to me as powerfully as ever. I had abstained from trying to have sex with her for many months. However, a moment of weakness in my resolve occured on Christmas Eve. Dear Lord, she was still fucking there all right! I felt like I was being thrashed in her passionate throws. At this point, I decided that Monika was not only ineffectual against my spirit but woefully mistaken about my situation entirely. When confronted, she tried to spin this dilemma. She blamed these experiences on my subconscious mind generating all of it… or claimed there was a “demonic residue” hanging around me that would take 6-18 months to fully clear. For fucks sake… how much more daft could I possibly have been?

Other strange experiences flew in the face of what Monika perceived to be happening with me. Spontaneous out-of-body experiences before sleep would sometimes occur. I would distinctly feel Catherine around my body, making me rotate slowly in mid-air. These were not violent or scary events, they were just odd feeling, as many OBEs usually are. Also, finding myself in our usual position for sex upon waking was another repeating incident that frustrated me to no end. I would sometimes feel her beginning to make love to me while I was half awake. (This is a common state for succubae spirits to vividly interact with humans, sometimes resulting in sleep paralysis, or “old-hag syndrome.”)

I felt so played. Monika had assured me that my succubus was removed many months before my Christmas Eve incident. There were only a few explanations that I could rationalize at this point: 1. Monika had been conning me the whole time. 2. I was losing my sanity. 3. Monika and I were both being manipulated by spiritual forces neither of us had any true comprehension of… Maybe a combination of all three.

At the beginning of the new year, 2015, I began inquiring into religious avenues for assistance with my daily struggle. A pious Christian community surrounded me at the time, so it was easy to assimilate into a lifestyle of faithful devotion. I cautiously considered that I might have been wrong about the religion of my youth and decided to step back into the ranks of the congregation. Intense study and prayer followed. Never before had I become so acquainted with Christian literature. A new-found respect for these writers emerged within me. For many years I could only see oppressive priests and authorities crushing the masses with the boot of ignorance. Coming at these stories afresh, I read of a devout, hard-working people; preserving a precious message they would gladly die defending. Maybe these old stories were exaggerated, or completely untrue, but I still took comfort in them.

To this day, I still believe there is some truth buried in religious texts. I’m not sure exactly what, as the truth seems to be heaped under layers of dogma and interpretation, but it’s under there somewhere! “Ask and it will be given, seek and you’ll find, knock and the door will be opened.” “The Kingdom of Heaven is not meat and drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.” I’m not going to stop digging for that truth and I won’t allow the institution of the church to distract me again. Too often I would get hung up on the foolishness of group-think, instead of keeping my eyes fixed on the search. I believe my foray into the occulted spirit world is part of this journey. Edit (2016): I no longer believe this is the case. I’ve come to grips with the fact that all religion is essentially mass mind control and brainwashing.

Religion has never had an effect on Catherine. I could pray my heart out, proclaim scripture, and forcefully cast out my succubus in the name of any number of lords and saviors, but to no avail. Strangely, the only person who has had a massively negative effect on my succubus spirit, is Monika, and her claims of psychic ability only served to piss off my spirit mate all the more. The true reason for this powerful reaction remains unknown to me. Perhaps Catherine’s anger stems from the fact that I believed what Monika told me? It’s possible that my succubus felt betrayed and my lack of communication only made the situation worse. I believe she may have seen the inevitable result of consulting the so-called psychic and communicated her warning in the most powerful way she knew how. [Edit (2016): Recent experiences have shown me that Catherine will sometimes warn me of impending harm by using physical pain as a warning.]

Whatever the case, Catherine has been consistently present through this whole ordeal. I did my best to ignore her and wish that her influence over my life would shrink away, but it was all for naught. The intimate joining between her and I continues to grow in depth and meaning. This experience has only increased in strength as a result of this controversy.

Around the time this mess began, I was not in a good place. My third-shift job was grueling. I rarely saw daylight. I was almost always physically spent and depression was at an all-time high. All of this came about because of bad decision making on my part. After the shit hit the fan, I blamed everything on Catherine’s supposed demonic influence.

Something I frustratingly failed to remember was that Catherine has always reflected my emotions back at me; especially when depression is involved. It turns into a vicious cycle, but I am ultimately responsible for my emotional state. I was clearly not taking care of myself at the time of our falling out. In a way, I was setting myself up for a big crash.

As for Monika, she served her purpose. I am wiser for having dealt with her. Sure, I lost some time and money that could have been spent elsewhere, but the lessons have been learned.