Here I am, back at this blogging thing again. My previous outing on WordPress did not end well, but I’m willing to give it another shot. I acknowledge that I made some very misguided decisions and a few people were hurt because of what I did. Writing about a topic as unusual as this tends to bring out the crazy in people. I learned that I’m not exempt from acting irrationally when things go pear-shaped.
For those who are unaware of what happened in the past couple of years, I’ll attempt to summarize: I started a blog about succubus spirits in December of 2012. (Introductory information about these incorporeal entities can be found here.) A few other guys started blogging about their own experiences at the same time as me and a little blogging network was born. My WordPress site became quite large and attracted more attention than I imagined possible. Regular postings about new discoveries and reflections carried on for nearly two years. I enjoyed the interaction between the contributing writers. The little network was a kind of safe haven for weirdoes like myself and I’m glad to see it’s still going.
Unfortunately, the stream of steady blogging progress came to an abrupt end. My poor judgment resulted in a period of unrest in the group. I allowed a so-called psychic to arrest my better reasoning. She called herself Monika, the psychic surgeon… not her real name, of course, and she had nothing to do with the alleged practice of psychic surgery. She only called herself this because her clients claimed that she worked with fine precision. Her website can be found here.
Monika arrived on the scene at the tail-end of April in 2014. She posted a comment, requesting that someone from our blogging community appear on her blogtalkradio show for a neutral exchange of information about succubi and incubi. Hastily, I agreed to go on as a guest and share my story.
The subsequent broadcast attracted many listeners and appeared to be going well on my end, until the last 15 minutes of the conversation. Monika claimed that my succubus, Catherine, had abandoned me during the show. In other words, she allegedly used her psychic ability to perceive that my spirit mate was no longer with me. By this time in the broadcast, my nerves were too frazzled to feel anything was spiritually interacting with me, so I agreed that I couldn’t feel Catherine either.
This is massively embarrassing to share: The original show can be downloaded here. God, I was such a sucker!
When the radio show was over, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to my bed. I felt very uneasy after hearing Monika’s stories about a succubus destroying the life of a hapless victim. Considering the spiritual awakening I had been going through over the years, her anecdotes were not beyond the pale of possibility in my mind. It frustrates me that I did not consider she may have been making the whole thing up. I only learned about the cold reading methods that psychics employ long after my initial encounter with this so-called medium. That, and she had ready access to a veritable encyclopedia of information about me and Catherine on my blog. Stupid, stupid…
When I put my head down on the pillow that night, I was immediately bombarded with painful and suffocating pressure around my mid-section. My head felt as though it was being squeezed in a vice; particularly around my third-eye, also known as the brow chakra. My very soul felt like it was being crushed. I thought to myself, “Well, shit. Maybe Monika was right after all. I’m not sure I’ll survive the night.” and I decided that I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of forceful coercion from my spirit. If Catherine wasn’t willing to communicate her misgivings in a reasoned manner, I was determined to fight her to the end. I would go on to experience intense spiritual bombardment all throughout my body for nearly a year.
What was the source of this psychic attack? To this day, I cannot be sure. I believe Catherine may have been responsible, ultimately feeling that I had betrayed her by telling-all on that blogtalk show. Or, maybe I was simply anticipating the assault; a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy? (One of my friends believes this is the case.) I have considered that Monika might have been the cause, and I suppose, indirectly, she was responsible, but I don’t believe she has any real psychic ability to begin with. The next few paragraphs will explain why I believe she’s simply a clever con-artist.
Sleep was nigh an impossibility that trying night. In the early hours of the morning, I hammered out a blog post announcing the end of my relationship with Catherine. I was beyond any hope of communicating with her after having gone through such a painful ordeal. Some members of the community tried to offer advice, but I wasn’t hearing any of it. Others reacted harshly and my determination was galvanized further. I enlisted Monika’s help. She claimed to specialize in extracting demons, and so the “clearings” began.
I kept in close contact with Monika for roughly six months. We used Skype, Whatsapp, and email to update each other. I became overly reliant upon her assurances. She made many outrageous claims about all the work she was doing to save me from my plight. Monika allegedly performed many hours of so-called clearing work every week. She also claimed to be praying for me at a local church, one hour per day, and every day for roughly two months. Apparently, the cleansing rituals were unforgivably exacting and draining. Upon hearing about her herculean efforts, I felt obligated to pay her for the time she spent doing all this work on me. Over the course of six months, I paid her $3300 through Paypal.
I enrolled back into college the following semester and began sharing my experience with a few male friends of mine. There was a brief interaction between Monika and one of my American-Asian buddies. He told me, “I know a con-artist when I hear one. She has been playing you.” He was very familiar with the darker side of the streets, having been through hell and back himself. I was more inclined to believe him than some woman I had never met in person. Monika hated my roommate and told me not to trust him. (Because he asked for proof of her abilities, but to no avail.) I decided to stop talking to Monika so often after that heart-sinking realization. I felt like a fool, but I was thankful my friends cared enough to warn me.
I began to realize the various lies Monika had concocted, both to me and her other clients. I should have gotten the hint when she asked me to use a collection of pirated self-help seminars to aid in my recovery. Even more obvious was the fact that Monika’s clearing work did nothing to lessen Catherine’s sexual advances. I did my best to downplay this to Monika; I felt bad that she was doing so much work with little to no effect. I was all-consumed with the idea of being relieved of my problems instead of addressing them directly. I figured that it must have been my fixation on the constant pressure and muscle spasms that prolonged their presence.
Around December of 2014, I got to the point where I thought everything had finally calmed down to a reasonable level. But then I discovered that Catherine was still ready and eager to make love to me as powerfully as ever. I had abstained from trying to have sex with her for many months. However, a moment of weakness in my resolve occured on Christmas Eve. Dear Lord, she was still fucking there all right! I felt like I was being thrashed in her passionate throws. At this point, I decided that Monika was not only ineffectual against my spirit but woefully mistaken about my situation entirely. When confronted, she tried to spin this dilemma. She blamed these experiences on my subconscious mind generating all of it… or claimed there was a “demonic residue” hanging around me that would take 6-18 months to fully clear. For fucks sake… how much more daft could I possibly have been?
Other strange experiences flew in the face of what Monika perceived to be happening with me. Spontaneous out-of-body experiences before sleep would sometimes occur. I would distinctly feel Catherine around my body, making me rotate slowly in mid-air. These were not violent or scary events, they were just odd feeling, as many OBEs usually are. Also, finding myself in our usual position for sex upon waking was another repeating incident that frustrated me to no end. I would sometimes feel her beginning to make love to me while I was half awake. (This is a common state for succubae spirits to vividly interact with humans, sometimes resulting in sleep paralysis, or “old-hag syndrome.”)
I felt so played. Monika had assured me that my succubus was removed many months before my Christmas Eve incident. There were only a few explanations that I could rationalize at this point: 1. Monika had been conning me the whole time. 2. I was losing my sanity. 3. Monika and I were both being manipulated by spiritual forces neither of us had any true comprehension of… Maybe a combination of all three.
At the beginning of the new year, 2015, I began inquiring into religious avenues for assistance with my daily struggle. A pious Christian community surrounded me at the time, so it was easy to assimilate into a lifestyle of faithful devotion. I cautiously considered that I might have been wrong about the religion of my youth and decided to step back into the ranks of the congregation. Intense study and prayer followed. Never before had I become so acquainted with Christian literature. A new-found respect for these writers emerged within me. For many years I could only see oppressive priests and authorities crushing the masses with the boot of ignorance. Coming at these stories afresh, I read of a devout, hard-working people; preserving a precious message they would gladly die defending. Maybe these old stories were exaggerated, or completely untrue, but I still took comfort in them.
To this day, I still believe there is some truth buried in religious texts. I’m not sure exactly what, as the truth seems to be heaped under layers of dogma and interpretation, but it’s under there somewhere! “Ask and it will be given, seek and you’ll find, knock and the door will be opened.” “The Kingdom of Heaven is not meat and drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.” I’m not going to stop digging for that truth and I won’t allow the institution of the church to distract me again. Too often I would get hung up on the foolishness of group-think, instead of keeping my eyes fixed on the search. I believe my foray into the occulted spirit world is part of this journey. Edit (2016): I no longer believe this is the case. I’ve come to grips with the fact that all religion is essentially mass mind control and brainwashing.
Religion has never had an effect on Catherine. I could pray my heart out, proclaim scripture, and forcefully cast out my succubus in the name of any number of lords and saviors, but to no avail. Strangely, the only person who has had a massively negative effect on my succubus spirit, is Monika, and her claims of psychic ability only served to piss off my spirit mate all the more. The true reason for this powerful reaction remains unknown to me. Perhaps Catherine’s anger stems from the fact that I believed what Monika told me? It’s possible that my succubus felt betrayed and my lack of communication only made the situation worse. I believe she may have seen the inevitable result of consulting the so-called psychic and communicated her warning in the most powerful way she knew how. [Edit (2016): Recent experiences have shown me that Catherine will sometimes warn me of impending harm by using physical pain as a warning.]
Whatever the case, Catherine has been consistently present through this whole ordeal. I did my best to ignore her and wish that her influence over my life would shrink away, but it was all for naught. The intimate joining between her and I continues to grow in depth and meaning. This experience has only increased in strength as a result of this controversy.
Around the time this mess began, I was not in a good place. My third-shift job was grueling. I rarely saw daylight. I was almost always physically spent and depression was at an all-time high. All of this came about because of bad decision making on my part. After the shit hit the fan, I blamed everything on Catherine’s supposed demonic influence.
Something I frustratingly failed to remember was that Catherine has always reflected my emotions back at me; especially when depression is involved. It turns into a vicious cycle, but I am ultimately responsible for my emotional state. I was clearly not taking care of myself at the time of our falling out. In a way, I was setting myself up for a big crash.
As for Monika, she served her purpose. I am wiser for having dealt with her. Sure, I lost some time and money that could have been spent elsewhere, but the lessons have been learned.