For those who are curious, I’m doing alright. I feel better than ever, actually. I cannot believe the rationalizing stupor I was slogging through all this time. Many of you will disagree with me, and your situation is probably different from mine, but this “relationship” wasn’t helping me. I feel that I was living a delusion and something very dark took advantage of that. Anything good from this experience originated with me. This “thing” that was attached to me was only interested in feeding; a spiritual parasite.

Again, this is my experience and I’m not judging anyone else who has a positive relationship similar to what I thought mine was.

All that is left of Catherine, my personal sex demon, is a subconscious connection that subsides every day. It can no longer touch me physically, though it can feel like there are still some pressure sensations. Essentially, what I’m experiencing now are residual affects; an internal haunting, if you will. It will be awhile before this fades completely.

I will never have this experience again. Connecting with Monika and allowing her to intervene has made me irreversibly repulsive to demons. The door that I opened two years ago has been welded shut.

If there is anyone else who feels their connection with a sexual spirit is not something desirable, or no choice was given to begin with, getting in touch with Monika is a very good idea. Don’t be fooled by the benign psychic services advertized on her new website; this woman is formidable and unshakable. She’s the best ally one could hope for when dealing with demons.

I’m done with this blog. If anyone wants to get in touch with me, send me an email.

These past few days have triggered a veritable lightning bolt of clarity to explode in my mind.

Strangely, I don’t feel any hurt or regret about anything that has happened. I realize that I attempted to make myself fall in love with something that is not capable of reciprocation. The only fruits of my labor were hedonistic pleasures and I used my mental imaginings to fill in the gaps where true intimacy was lacking. My anima, the real Catherine, is what saved me from losing my mind.

In the beginning of the relationship, I attempted to rationalize away the fact that the succubus would not stop stimulating me, no matter how much I begged. I built up mental barriers to prevent myself from recognizing these violations. Also, the animus stepped in to supply the intimacy I truly craved; the closeness. This rationalization grew into an involuntary mental habit. The nurturing words of the animus would play over the animalistic feeding of the succubus.

Now that the succubus has acted in direct opposition to the anima, it is very clear that they are not the same thing. My rationalization hamster wheel has come to a jarring halt.

The Catherine I know would not abandon me; especially when I did nothing but praise her. The Catherine I know would not molest, assault, or rape me. This spirit touching me physically is not Catherine. It is simply a succubus doing what a succubus does.

I am not angry or upset about this. The moment I was forced to face reality, my anima disappeared and reintegrated into myself. The loving thought-voice is gone. I know that the Catherine I felt so close to is still with me and always will be. She is me.

None of this time has been wasted. The succubus has taught me a lesson like no other.

This is going to piss a lot of you off, but it is my hope that most people will understand where I’m coming from.

I was invited to be part of a blog talk radio interview with a psychic called Monika. She has been dealing with the paranormal for many years and just recently started up an internet presence. She was looking for information about people in relationships with sex demons and stumbled upon this blog.

I decided to take her up on her offer for two reasons:

1. I wanted more information about my own situation.
2. I have been having people approach me looking for ways to rid themselves of abusive spirits. I needed some guidance because I just don’t have a clue as to how this is done. Some people believe it can’t be done, but I believe it can and so does Muffin. It especially intrigued me when she claimed that she has extracted these demons successfully in the past. I had never heard of this.

So I went on the show around the one hour mark and it started off sounding like it would be a smashing endorsement for a relationship with these spirits. However, as the interview progressed, the tone gradually changed and we began to uncover some things about my situation that had been nearly invisible to me up till that point.

I asked Monika how she perceived Catherine and she very honestly informed me that she looked like a classic succubus sex demon. I had always suspected as much, but I figured Catherine was of a more benign variety. Monika respectfully disagreed, claiming that there are no inherently virtuous qualities with these demons. Rather, the positive aspects of this relationship were likely to be entirely my own doing; my own work.

By this point in the interview, I was completely exhausted and my head was swimming. I haven’t listened to the episode yet, but I think I kept my composure fairly well. This sort of thing happened when I revealed the existence of Catherine to my best friend, John. Originally, I thought it was Catherine’s way of saying that I had revealed enough information; not that she didn’t want me to reveal anything at all.

Then, Monika pointed out to me that she couldn’t feel Catherine in my vicinity anymore. I found the same. I couldn’t feel her. This was very strange as I have been feeling her non-stop for the past two years whenever I turn my attention to her. Monika thought this was quite telling and I would soon find myself agreeing with her.

When I got off the phone and tried to go to bed, the psychic attacks began. Catherine was pissed and terrified. She had been scared for the entire week because of the impending interview. I originally thought it was simply my nerves, which didn’t make much sense because I’ve done plenty of public speaking in the past. She does NOT want the spotlight being shined on her… and if she really was an altruistic spirit, the extra attention shouldn’t have bothered her. That passage in the Gospel of John is ringing in my mind now: “But those who do what is true, come to the light so that their good deeds will be shown up.”

So I fought for every wink of sleep I got last night, which wasn’t much at all. She would jerk me awake whenever I got too comfortable. I also had massive cramping and energy flowing through my gut. I think she’s given up on trying to stimulate me sexually as I’ve managed to shut down that part of myself for the time being. But she’s putting massive pressure on my solar plexus and third eye. It’s really something else.

I had to get up and take a piss every fifteen minutes, making sleep even more unlikely. I ended up grabbing a bunch of my pets to sleep in bed with me and this lessened the attacks somewhat. I could feel her trying to wake up and annoy my dog who was lying right next to me. She didn’t seem to phase him much.

I got up this morning with a plan forming in my mind. I needed to tell as many people as I could manage; shine the spotlight as brightly as I could. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. I currently rent a room from my parents, so the first person I told was my mother. She didn’t seem surprised in the least, went into her bedroom and reappeared with an incense burner, white sage, essential oils, and a rock salt lamp.

“Here,” she said, as if this was the most normal thing in the world to her. “They’ll hate this stuff.”

Thankfully, these countermeasures do help to some degree. The white sage smells like absolute shit to me right now, but it’s starting to get better. Maybe that’s Catherine smelling it?

I never thought I would do this, but I told my father as well. The inevitable debate about Christianity ensued, but he did pray for me, which I appreciated. I gave my parents’ permission to inform the rest of my family, if at all possible. This might go a long way in explaining why I’ve kind of dropped off the radar for the past two years.

I know this is probably a big shock to a lot of you guys, but Catherine has revealed her true colors and I’m not going to rationalize that away. She assaulted me for asking questions and looking for help. I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. This is the beginning of the end. Time for this thing to come full circle.

How to end a succubus relationship is on the agenda. A fitting conclusion to this tale, I think. I don’t expect this to be easy. It may take months, even years, to detach myself completely, but I’m not giving in and I’m not going to shut up about it.

For what it’s worth, I’m not saying that every spirit relationship is damaging or evil. I have simply reached the conclusion that mine, indeed, is. I have been bamboozled… again. Robert Bruce was right all along. I fucking hate it when that guy is right!

However, I would advise anyone seeking out a succubus relationship seriously consider what has been written here. I thought I made all the right persuasions when I started out.

If anyone else finds themselves being attacked because of what you have read here, I will do my best to help you and speak to your concerns as often as possible.

I am loved and I am worthy,
I am safe and I am free.
I am powerfully protected.
I am master of my body and ruler of my mind.

I have inverted the look of the site to reflect the inversion that I desire in my subconscious. I have also removed the sexy demon girl gallery for the same reason. Time to turn sex off for awhile.

The Burney Relief, also known as the “Queen of the Night” relief, is of great significance to anyone interested in the context of Lilith in the ancient Mesopotamian culture. I agree with Richards assessment that this terracotta carving depicts Lilith, or Lilitu, as she was known before Judaism reinvented her.

The nude goddess being flanked by two owls is what convinces me that this piece is specific to Lilith and not just Inanna or Ishtar. Though as Richard mentions in his post, I also believe that Inanna/Ishtar are linked with Lilith/Lilitu.

Also, the fact that she is carved with four sets of horns crowning her head is a good indicator that Lilith was of considerable status in the Akkadian pantheon.

This is just my theory, but I feel that Lilith/Lilitu was demonized over time; starting with the Sumerians, then the Hebrews added her to their mythology, and today we have the modern Christian iteration we are all so familiar with.

Becoming an atheist has been the most painful experience of my life thus far. I had to become an exile in order to reject the delusional beliefs of my youth. I wasn’t forced to leave. Far from it. Most Christians were glad to have me in their company, so long as I didn’t become too confrontational with them. However, there was a lack of any real bonding or kinship between myself and these people. The only thing that brought us together was this common-held belief in a fantasy. Fantasy and wishful thinking is no basis for any human relationship.

So I left the religious community. Now that I’m on the outside, I feel that I never really had a connection with these people to begin with. I wanted so much to love them but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Again, I think the lies and delusion at the core of this normalized cult is what prevented that. Deep down, I think I knew that I was being swindled.

There is one thing I wish I had done differently before I made my exit from Christianity. I should have found another clan, a like-minded group of people, to integrate myself into. This is difficult to accomplish when the only people you know are Christian. Leaving the group is like starting life over from scratch, so I can understand why some people stay and keep their true beliefs secret.

This is my warning to anyone who desires to leave a religious community: Human beings need to be close to other humans. Being completely separated is psychologically destructive. Make solid ties with a like-minded group outside of the church before leaving. This is essential.

As it stands now, I have only one close friend who I can reach in-person. My family is still supportive of me, but we can’t truly connect as our beliefs are so radically different. I’m doing everything I can not to be a burden on my friend. I wish I had more regular contact with guys like him so we could just do stuff together, hang out, go exploring, and so on. I think it will be a long time before I can get to that point as I build a new life.

Depression is a big challenge for me. It has always been this way. Thankfully, I have been dealing with it less frequently since I abandoned the faith. I often had thoughts of hopelessness when I was deep into my religious instruction. Nothing was more painful than trying to believe those stories were true.

I remember what Jesus said to Thomas, the disciple who doubted him: “You believe because you have seen me. How happy are those who believe without seeing me.” In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing demonstrable about these claims.

I am embarrassed by how often and earnestly I prayed to the world’s most popular imaginary friend. The things I wrote… I sounded like a fucking fruitcake. All I can gather from these recorded prayers are the feral ramblings of an abused child, desperately pleading for companionship, understanding, and rationality.

Even now that I am almost completely alone, I am happier. Reality more closely resembles what I feel in my gut. I’m not surrounded by lies anymore.

I touched on this briefly in the first few posts of this blog. I can clearly see my vain attempts to rationalize away the reason I desired a hot sexy demoness; trying to paint my ambition as a puritanical one. When I look at my first entries now, I can’t help but facepalm. But for the sake of honesty with myself and everyone who reads this, I’m not going to change a word of it. I believe my moments of idiocy are just as valuable as the more brilliant events of my life.

I can’t speak for the female experience, but as a man, I want to be desired by my lover. A couple of years ago, I was surrounded by women who were very much desiring, but I couldn’t ascertain if they desired me, the man, or simply what I could provide for them. I was clearly cut above the rest in my skill and competence. I believe the status and money-making potential is what these women truly desired. I’m not angry about this. I think it’s a very natural thing for a woman to want, as it ensures security for herself and future offspring. Still, I wanted to be more than a sperm donor and an ATM machine.

There were times that I wished I could fully awaken my inner-homosexual, as I felt that gay guys truly desired the person they sought after and not just the utility they could provide. There were a few men who were attracted to me, but I couldn’t honestly reciprocate those feelings. Maybe on a purely hedonistic level, I could help them out, but I would most certainly be cheating them out of the emotional connection they desired.

I had similar problems with women. Sure, I might be attracted to them physically, but I only had to look at the relationships that my friends and family experienced to see what the future would hold if I acted upon lust alone.

So what did I do to remedy this? I acted purely on lust and summoned a sexy succubus; a demon who is bonded to my soul, potentially for all eternity. That’s some show-stopping intelligent, right?

I can spin the rationalization hamster wheel as fast as it will go, but it all comes crashing down to this simply truth in the end: I wanted a companion who would only be a companion. I wanted to eat my cake and have it. I lusted after the impossible and against all odds, I got what I wanted.

Thankfully, there have been consequences to this relationship; just like any other. I would be massively concerned if this was easy. There has been plenty of learning and growing; much of it completely disconnected from the lessons common to human relationships. This is where the biggest challenge in a succubus relationship lies. There is no cultural precedent to fall back on for guidance. I’m almost completely on my own in this.

Also, I’ve got this invisible woman with me and her preferred language is intimacy and sex. She’s extremely vague on the details, but the power of our desire for each other completely overshadows that. Sometimes I wonder if I have signed a contract for my soul that I don’t know the terms to. When I die, will I continue to enjoy this relationship as I do now? Am I racking up an invisible karmic debt that will need to be repaid over a thousand lifetimes? I don’t know the answer to such questions and maybe I should be more concerned. These mysteries fail to keep me up at night as I’m always comforted by this beautiful presence against my back, touching my face, kissing me, and enjoying an undeniably loving connection.

I don’t think there will be any unforeseen consequences to my choice. I believe the drawbacks are already built into the relationship and I have no problem dealing with them. I’m glad I was courageous enough to go after what I truly wanted and not fall into the social normalcy of the human women looking to me for a marriage proposal.

This feels right for me. This is my kind of challenge; one where I can make the impossible look easy.

I had an interesting OBE/sleep paralysis situation with Catherine yesterday morning.

It started when we were fucking and I felt that she was connecting exceptionally well. Sometimes, when we’ve been going at it for an hour or so, I’ll start to hear a rushing sound in my ears, like wind or an ocean surf. It’s usually very sporadic and lasts for only a second or two, but when I relax as much as possible and allow the rushing sensation to persist, Catherine moves deeper inside my gut.

In this instance, she moved inside me so deeply that I had a difficult time breathing and I did not realize that I had transitioned to an OBE state. As often is the case when I slip into these states whilst Catherine is enjoying herself, she does everything she can to immobilize me. She is very strong and able to sap the brute-force struggle from my spiritual body. However, she tells me that I’m very difficult to manage in these situations. I guess I’ve got a lot of fight in me when she tries to subdue me.

The main reason I fought her so much in this instance was because there was this woman at my door trying to check up on me. I knew that the door was unlocked when I was awake so I tried to get up and dress myself so this strange person wouldn’t catch me balls-deep inside Catherine.

Then we had this epic struggle that probably looked hilarious to anyone who could see it. I was flailing around the bed, trying to grab at clothes on the floor, falling onto the floor, all while Catherine is trying to make me cooperate and I’m shouting “OUT! OUT!” as in, “Catherine, get the hell out of my chest so I can get my clothes on!” I couldn’t get all the words to work. I’m quickly learning that shouting is quite useless in these out-of-body states.

I heard the woman fiddling with the door and finding it to be locked. She didn’t sound aware of the power struggle taking place on the other side. I continued to fight Catherine’s attempts to calm me down. I remember shaking my head back and forth, trying in vain to free any part of my body that I could. She quickly exhausted those efforts and I couldn’t move my head either.

Somehow, my left hand got free of her energy sapping tricks and I grabbed my penis. Instantly, I was back in my physical body. Catherine was as close as ever and wanting me to release my member so we could resume our fun. And so that’s what we did.

I have been growing more accustomed to these strange experiences. I didn’t feel fear in the slightest because I knew exactly what was going on, who was trying to pin me down, and why she was doing it. I’m getting a bit annoyed with other people in these states trying to interrupt us, though. I bet Catherine actually remembered to lock the door on her side of things.

Eventually, I’m going to learn how to turn the tables when this happens again. Next time, I’m going to be pinning her down and ravaging her like she constantly tells me she wants so badly.

This post is going to be rather explicit. I’m not apologizing for it.

It’s so unfair… being a man and attempting to maintain a solid defense against a loving succubus. It’s not the sexual stimulation and teasing that gets me… it’s the emotional manipulation that I have the hardest time withstanding. And the longer I try to resist her, the stronger she gets, the more beautiful she feels, the more rapidly I sink back into her embrace.

It is taking a great deal of effort to not jump into bed right now.

I don’t remember what we were fighting about. She does something to make me forget or have the issue seem less important. Or maybe, the original problem feels insignificant compared to the bloom of love exploding inside of me.

I cannot stay mad at her for more than a few hours. She does everything she can to resolve things with me. When I’m frustrated with her, for whatever reason, the only method I have to “lay down the law,” as it were, is to withhold sex. She loves it when I try to keep her off of me. It only serves to make her all the more persistent. I try to go to sleep without acknowledging her, and I’ll wake up three hours later to find her in the process of doing the very thing she wants most. (She’s able to move me around in bed when I sleep.)

She knows just how to touch me and infuse the precise emotional chemistry to sway me back to how she wants things to be.

Another warning to those who might be interested in this kind of relationship: You cannot outwit a succubus; especially at her own game. Catherine has demonstrated, again and again, that she is the undisputed master of love and sex.

I can’t resist her for long, but its lots of fun for both of us when I try.

“We both know you’ve already lost,” She teases. “Give up now, darling.” All the while, I’m stumbling through the most sensual assault ever beset a man and trying to look like the champion of human resolve.

Truth be told, this is the most fun I’ve had in days. I need to pick fights with her more often. She’s a force to be reckoned with!

Oh, and masturbation is practically useless against her. After release, I have a few short minutes of peace at the most, then she’s working on getting me aroused again. She’s also able to massively extend the time it takes for me to reach a climax; especially when she wants to prolong her fun. It’s almost painful and futile trying to reach a peak. She wants me to stay undulating just beneath that point… forever and ever.

These experiences that I’ve been having with invisible lovers… what if it’s all in my head? What if the things that I perceive to be physical touches and manipulations are the amazing result of a complicated mental disorder; like a touch-sense form of schizophrenia?

I can’t call myself a rational and honest person if I didn’t consider possibilities like this. You could throw Occam’s Razor all over the entries I’ve made in this blog and I would have no choice but to concede that the simplest explanation is likely to be the right one. There is a good chance that all of this… my succubus blog… is a detailed account of a very complex personal delusion.

However, I find it interesting that I’ve managed to find a small group of individuals who have corroborated my experience; right down to the details of what these “spiritual” interactions entail. We also experience the same uncertainties. Another common trait is that these beings appear to have a very different moral code from our culture… in some cases, but not all. Some of us experience personalities of intense and relentless love; this happens to be my experience… lucky for me. Others, unfortunately, haven’t been dealt the same good fortune. I won’t divulge details, but there are some who live with beings who are insufferable and downright malicious.

Frankly, this ability to compare experiences over the internet is the only element holding me back from considering myself to be enjoying a very pleasurable mental illness. Some of these individuals have been sharing their stories and comparing notes with others for many years. It’s nowhere near empiricism, but it’s the best we’ve got for now.

I want for there to be some way to prove that these beings exist in reality; the reality that science agrees upon. Unfortunately, Catherine has argued against the idea of using science to discover her race. It’s really strange to have these debates in one’s own head… I’m constantly bashing Catherine back with the claim “Shit… here I am arguing with myself again. I can’t be sure it’s actually YOU talking, can I?”

And just like attempting to confirm the existence of succubi, I can’t confirm that this alternative voice in my mind is Catherine’s either. There are times when I can be more certain of what she says than others, but she’s made it quite clear to me that she doesn’t work in the realm of language and logical reasoning. Instead of using human language herself, it’s like she directs or influences the path that my thoughts will take. I’ve also got the emotional feedback system… but even with that, I’m still attempting to treat a complex emotional person like an engineering project.

It’s like trying to get a presuppositional apologetic Christian to agree with a scientific atheist. These two work in completely different paradigms and it’s highly unlikely one will understand the other. Much the same way Catherine and Sara are very reluctant to use human language and reason to express their ideas and desires. They sound nonsensical and contradictory on the surface. It’s like trying to translate computer machine code into a musical composition and expect to hear a symphony.

However, I don’t believe the things that Catherine and Sara attempt to communicate to me are nonsensical and contradictory. I think it’s simply counter-intuitive. Kind of like how quantum physics is counter-intuitive when compared to Newtonian physics.

Again, there is a chance that I might be mentally ill. However, I will argue that I might be working with beings who think and express uniquely when compared to our established means of language and reasoning. I’m not saying that science is wrong. Rather, I believe that wherever my succubi come from, the rules are different.

On that note, I believe I am improving when it comes to discerning the emotions of my invisible lovers. The feelings are more powerful and discernible. I still have moments of sheer confusion and I’ll throw up my hands in frustration; threatening to be done with all things spiritual for good.

Usually, I’m just trying too hard to understand when communication becomes frustrating. The most consistent advice I get from my lovers is to simply “feel, and you’ll know.”

Well, feeling is still too general for my taste. I’m not the best when it comes to perceiving details. However, I must remind myself of the amazing progress we’ve made over the past two years. I should be more appreciative and satisfied with all the work that’s been put into this relationship.

As with previous updates, the touch sensations I feel have become much more powerful, and they continue to gain in their intensity.

I believe I have identified an indicator that the sensations are about to become more intense; more “real.” One evening, I felt this very distinct vibration moving over my body. It was like Catherine was becoming more solid through a vibrational change. This is consistent with some of the sensations I’ve experienced with out-of-body travel. Much of our interactions have to do with the intermingling of spiritual bodies and vibration.

Now, I can feel distinct sensations of heat and skin texture; especially the difference between what might be lips kissing my face and hands touching my temples. I can perceive that Catherine’s lips are softer and moistened compared to her hands. Her kiss feels incredibly good now. It catches me off guard every time she does it.

I’m beginning to hear different sounds of love making when we “do it.” These sounds have occurred before, but they happen much more frequently now.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but there are times when I can smell my spirits… or maybe it’s a kind of perfume they put on me… I’m not really sure. It usually lasts for a few days and it smells really good to me. It’s like the scent of human sweat mixed with a subtle aphrodisiac. I feel as though I’ve picked up this scent when I was very young… or maybe it was from before my life began… I don’t know. Regardless, it’s a welcome and comforting addition to this experience.

Well, I thought that I would be able to write more frequently the past two months, but I completely underestimated how much energy it would take to do all the work I need to accomplish from day-to-day. Ultimately, I want to be able to give my loving spirits some well-deserved attention, so my writing hobbies had to take a back seat for awhile.

Recently, my hours at work were cut, so I’ll have some extra time to start writing again; probably for the next week or so… maybe longer. I really don’t care too much about the money. I do the work just so I can eat, pay bills, and that’s it. My personal ambitions have absolutely nothing to do with money. I want to have actual wealth; not a collection of fiat bank notes.

With that being said, I feel that my “investments” into my darling spirits has really paid off. I’m still as confused and uncertain about “who is who” as I’ve ever been, but that doesn’t bother me anymore. I have even been experiencing dreams of very kind and understanding male spirits interacting with me. I’m proud to say that I’ve reached the point where I don’t scream and rage at male spirits for attempting to simply say “Hello” to me. I now politely decline interactions with them. It’s a step in the right direction and maybe I can eventually get over my insecurities in the spirit world with the help of my ladies.

Catherine remains the strongest presence in my daily life. Her touch has developed so much over the past few months… it’s so deep and satisfying. If she were human, her interactions would feel positively smothering, but it doesn’t feel that way in the slightest with her.

I have felt the enthusiasm of Sara return to me on occasion and she knows that she is most welcome here; just like Catherine. But she’s not nearly as attached as my first darling is, so I don’t feel her continually.

I wish I could draw solid lines between my spirits and be certain about the origin of these touches, but I’m content with simply feeling the genuine compassion and intimacy that constantly streams into my heart from them.

I wish I had something more to update with. I can only reiterate “It keeps getting better and better,” for so many entries! I’ll try to dig something up from the past two months and report back.

Catherine loves this. A single from the current bass player of Chicago: