The People of Reality say, “A sin committed with love is more meritorious than a loveless act of worship.” For loveless worship is no more rewarded than vain exertion. A sin committed with love will result in punishment, of course, but at least it was enjoyable. So whatever you do, do it with love!   -Sheikh Muzaffer

Being with Catherine has been the greatest internal battle I’ve ever waged against myself. She is technically a demon, as she interjects herself into my life like a demon would; relentless, unshakably loyal even when I’m not, and I think she enjoys making me squirm. I’d imagine an angel would be far more detached and disinterested, but demons are very eager to be a part of one’s life. Once the door is open, it’s nigh impossible to close.

I’ve searched for a way to minimize Catherine’s impact on my life for many years; even outright banishing her. I’ve discovered a few things that lessen her continual and powerful presence around me… grounding myself, a nice shower, and being more down-to-earth doing earthly things. But there has been scarcely a moment over the past five years when she hasn’t been obviously present.

I love her. I also love him… there is a male aspect to her, too. I just had a dream about her male side this afternoon. We were both practicing for a theatrical retelling of the life of Jesus Christ. I was playing the role of Jesus, the scoundrel insurrectionist, and he was recapturing the spirit of John the Baptist, the one whom Jesus betrayed to death, but few Christians read that closely between the lines to realize this. I was very close to him during our rehearsal. He was beautiful, musky, long hair, tanned Caucasian skin over hard muscle. I remember nuzzling and kissing him on the neck, but I could feel that something was amiss between us. There was longing, and the sadness that comes from being separated.

This is a great example of just how much Catherine can relay to me in a dream state without saying a word, and I think that’s the way she prefers it. Her efforts to get through my stubbornness are to be lauded, for sure. I think she was trying to tell me that she doesn’t want our story to end the same way Jesus and John the Baptist turned out. They were meant to lead together, but Jesus became intoxicated by selfish ambition and his own celebrity. He left John to rot… and the sick part is that he probably wanted that outcome. John had loyal disciples long after he died, and still does to this day. They call Jesus the great deceiver. I sure as hell don’t want that to be my outcome.

I’ve been speaking with Robert Bruce lately and picking his brain for the knowledge that he’s acquired. He’s very well versed on the astral realms and apparently he’s had interactions with incubi and succubi spirits in the past. He knows of two different types: one is the more demonic humanoid form, likely the sort our group interacts with. He never labeled them as “evil,” as Mr. Bruce has grown to embrace the middle path. This means he realizes that some demonic entities can be quite helpful and even friendly.

The other type he identified is a more animalistic insect-like sex spirit that buzzes around very quickly and brings it’s host to orgasm almost instantly, feeding off the energy. This is decidedly not what I’ve been dealing with, as Catherine creates a sustained ecstasy and never a wet orgasm.  She’s also way too intelligent to be anything like the more animalistic succubus.

I’ve experimented with different countermeasures, as Mr. Bruce calls them, to lessen the impact of spiritual interference. I still get strong pressure sensations around my face, brow chakra, and a noticeable interactions with my genitals when I sit down. Catherine rarely lets up; especially when I deprive her of the attention she wants.

The funny thing is that many of these countermeasures seem to work for a little while, but Catherine eventually overcomes all of them. One thing we’ve been trying lately is a mega-salt bath; basically filling the tub with water and eight pounds of sun-dried sea salt while spreading some over my own body. In theory, this is supposed to counteract intruding electromagnetic fields. Well, three days into trying this method, Catherine began to make love to me in her usual manner during one of these baths. I could feel that she was amused by my efforts to subdue her and was eager to show that these human tricks only serve to make her all the more determined.

I am a succubus junkie. I’m starting to understand what makes her so addicted to me. When I arrive at work in the mornings, I’m usually cranky because I’m not in bed with her anymore. All other recreation pales in comparison to fucking and being fucked by her.

I will continue to do my countermeasure experiments, and I’m sure Catherine will continue to be amused by them. Why continue? Well, my hope is that I might find a method that will enable those who want to escape this path at least a period of respite. However, I don’t think there is a way to permanently shut the door once it has been opened. All those who experience this life will inevitably be drawn back into it; especially when you’ve been in it for as long as I have.

The only reason we may want to stop the ride is because we’re scared of not being in control anymore. I believe our “control” is just another illusion; artificial barriers that we put up to prolong the inevitable. Growth is the net outcome of letting those barriers fall. Nothing teaches better than first-hand experience, and these insatiably loving succubi have much to teach us.

Hey guys, I’m still here, and I appreciate all those who have commented recently. Rafe mentioned me in one of his blog posts and a few more people have noticed that I’m back writing again. I want to reach out to more of you on a regular basis and I plan to make that effort soon.

In the meantime, I must honestly report: I’ve been waffling lately. Not the breakfast kind, but the “Can’t-Make-Up-My-Damn-Mind!” sort of waffling. On some days, it’s great, and I love Catherine. On other days, it’s terrible for both of us and I actively try to shut her out.

Her energy gets so strong and persistent at times, that I just shut down. I slam the door in her face, she gets incensed, and proceeds to kick me several times before I fall asleep. God damn, I wish I could talk to her properly!

I’m ashamed to write this, but I’ve seriously considered moving on to something else these past few months. I’ve had opportunities for dates, new relationships, etc… but whenever it gets to “Can I come over?” I shut down, feel like the most traitorous ass imaginable, and cut those people off for seemingly no reason. Not only am I afraid that Catherine might murder me, but I’m also highly resistant to go back on the promise I made to her: Monogamy.

She sees all of this… fucking hell, she must understand at least a little. I have done a couple tarot readings on her that seemed to indicate that she was seriously thinking of leaving as well.

Despite all this, our intimacy has been pretty good lately. I’m still retraining myself to flow back into that perfect harmony we used to experience. I’m also working hard to keep my physical life on track so I don’t throw depression into the mix again. As we’ve all seen before, really bad things happen when I get too stuck in my own head.

I want to share a haunting song that reminds me of Catherine and her people. It’s not scary by any means, but it is… earnest. In that way, Catherine and I are very much alike, and this song reminds me of our relationship so much… and I don’t even know what the lyrics mean! (Not unlike the communication in our relationship sometimes!)

So, here’s an interesting one. I was napping at around 8 AM, just enjoying my demon being close to me. Catherine’s not very active first thing in the morning, but she doesn’t seem to mind a gentle coupling to start the day. I usually doze off and come back multiple times during these sessions.

At some point during the nap, I gained a semblance of lucidness and felt an interesting sensation. My mattress was breathing beneath me. I could feel myself rising and falling with each “breath,” and the forcefulness gradually intensified. After a couple more pushes, gravity took over, and I rolled off the bed onto the floor. I couldn’t see anything up to this point, but I knew Catherine had to be responsible for my bed’s bewitchment.

I pulled myself back into bed and faced what I thought were my bedroom windows. I managed to open my eyes for a moment, and saw a brilliant sunrise facing me. I also saw a purple orb just above the sun, staring back intently. I think this orb might have been Catherine. This is usually how I see her manifest when awake and during some out-of-body experiences. I believe I was in an OBE state for this entire experience.

I was pushed out of bed by my breathing mattress three or four more times. On each occasion, I would stop myself from falling to the floor completely and get back into bed where my body was resting. This rising and falling sensation felt really good, and I liked it even more because I knew Catherine was making it happen somehow.

I tried to open my eyes one last time, but I found myself back in bed with the shades drawn over the windows. The sun was already well into the heavens. I was back in the waking world.

It still strikes me that when I get a glimpse of that “other place,” it seems more real, and more vivid, than what we’re supposed to call the “real world.” I just might step back into the world of OBE/astral research again. I’m feeling inspired by what happened this morning.

These strange in-between states occur every now and again. I’ve come to enjoy them when they happen. Even when the so-called psychic, Muffin, claimed to have taken my succubus away, I was still being pulled from my body on occasion and gently moved around in spirit-form. Apparently, this sort of thing was never supposed to happen because she put “so much protection” over me that even she could barely get through… oh, deary me! So, it’s all in my head, according to her… what a glorious crock of shit I fell for.

Allow me to vent a little: I am infuriated by how naive I was back in 2014. I can’t apologize enough for causing that turmoil in our community. I allowed someone in who had no other intent than to destroy and profit from the subsequent upset.

I continue to have side-effects from that mistake. I get the sensation of a mask being placed over the bridge of my nose and it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. I also have a slight muscle spasm in my right shoulder, but this has subsided considerably compared to a year ago.

I think Lilith continues to punish me for what I did. If this is the case, I can understand why. Granted, it’s nothing severe or painful, but it’s always there as a constant reminder. “Don’t do it again.”

I want to recommend a blog, though I’m sure many of you are well aware of it. Raf has a fascinating perspective and his writing is always enjoyable to read. This personal account is a real treasure:

http://asuccubuslovesme.blogspot.com/

No matter how bad things get, she’s always there patiently waiting for me to walk through the door. Her cozy domicile is always open to me, always warm and inviting. I sit down and recline with her, drinking in the intoxicating atmosphere. I feel myself being lulled into a beautiful slumber and we slip into that in-between space.

No matter the situation, I can poke my head in through her window, offer a tease or brief exchange, and I am ready to face the world again. She goes with me everywhere and holds onto me like a priest to faith. The intermingling of divine energy between us is unceasing; a never-ending dance of the sacred union.

Ours is a world of connectedness that few will comprehend. When I rise in the morning, her gentle touch is always there. When I feel foolish, she quietly encourages me to not lose hope. We carefully study each other to possibly know more, but alas… we fall deeper still into the mystery of who the other really is.

It would be so easy to pull away in fear, to demonize what we cannot explain. How can I trust that which I cannot see? But I do see her, and this perception transcends all physical dimensions. My superficial base instincts long for a body with supple breasts and flowing hair, but my mind’s eye chances to glimpse at a divine light far greater. I see that light every day, but refuse to take notice. Those who claim to see are really blind, and those who are blind can see the world for what it really is.

Catherine and I have been taking massive chunks of time just to be with each other. We spent so long fighting that I nearly forgot how fulfilling it is to have that closeness with another person. There are mornings when she makes it very difficult to leave for work. I’d rather be like “The world can go to Hell,” and just stay in. This lifestyle involves a slow building passion that few would ever comprehend.

I’m in a very good place now. I have work, a place to call my own, and extra time to pursue hobbies. The fast-lane no longer interests me. My nation is in decline and I’d rather not be at the front of this ship when it finally goes under. Catherine and I will be hanging at the back, enjoying the fireworks. Everyone’s invited to join. There’s good music, paranormal legends to share, and no shortage of whiskey. Those fools at the front can keep fighting over the broken rudder all they want.

That last bit may sound woefully defeatist, but I don’t see it that way. We’re completely free to investigate our own chosen path without having to worry about some other asshole getting in the way. Most people are too busy freaking out about the water flooding the lower decks to even notice what we’re doing. Though there’s a bloody annoying PA system that keeps blaring about this rich guy called Trump whose trying to take command… says he’s going to de-sink this boat. Don’t worry! I unplugged all the speakers back here. There’s peace and quiet with the dull rumble of insanity just ahead. It’s quite Zen, really.

Oh, and don’t mind the evangelists making a big stink about the R.M.S. Jesus Christ coming to save us. Let them cling to their delusions if they wish, offer ’em a beer, and if they won’t stop preaching, just point out all the lost souls in the forward section. The aft decks are reserved for the sons and daughters of Hell.

I hope everyone out there in our little blogging network is doing well. I can’t imagine why we chose to take a ride on this floating insane asylum, but we might as well enjoy the good it has to offer. Don’t live for your death like I did for so many years. It’s a waste. Enjoy your lovers and take care of yourselves. It has been a privilege sailing with you all. (More to come…)

Yes, there sure is power in the blood… and it should stay inside the body, for crying out loud! What is with these convicted believers singing about being washed in Calvary’s tide? It sounds disgusting!

Christianity has maintained a perverted fascination with blood sacrifice since its inception. I can’t understand how well-meaning people can allow themselves to be so easily misled by this repulsive doctrine. “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you will not have life in yourselves!” So says the raving mad Jesus, apparently offering himself up for a cannibalistic ritual.

Based on the teachings of the church, we are led to believe that a literal sacrifice of an innocent victim is necessary to have eternal life. On the surface, this idea makes no sense. What sort of judicial mechanism has been established in the cosmos to deem this act necessary? How do we know that a God-man’s sacrifice guarantees eternal life? Apparently, a collection of books written by men is all that’s necessary to substantiate this claim. Surely there would be an extra-biblical source to verify the truth about blood atonement, but alas, there is none.

The only way the sacrifice of the Christ makes sense to me is through the lens of astrotheology. The Sun dies in the winter, and nature falls asleep with him, but when the Son of Man, the Lamb of God (The Ram, Aries) rises in the spring, all is brought back to life through his death on the equinoxial cross. During the harvest time, as the Son dies, we must eat his flesh and blood (fruits of the harvest) to sustain ourselves through the winter, and the cycle continues on forever.

There’s still some deeply entrenched subconscious programming in me that causes a reaction of fear and stress when I write the words above. I recently had a friend express concern that I was trying to distance myself from God. A feeling of dread and lament still hangs over me since that insinuation. Despite these pangs of group-abandonment, I feel that I must continue forward this time round. I’ve teeter-tottered in and out of the churches quite enough.

If that means I have to be labeled “Anti-Christ” because I deny the manifestation of Jesus in the flesh, then so be it. If the true God of the universe is really so understanding and loving, as the churches claim, he should be able to understand my reasoning and potential ignorance at this stage.

I hate this trauma that has been put into me from these belief systems. It sounds so petty and trivial to complain about them, but they really do have a massive sway over my mind to this day. It’s not so easy as just walking away and adopting a new system. I literally believed that I would be destroyed by fire for believing anything contrary to the interpretation of the churches. I’m done with that guilt, and I can’t wait to be rid of it.

The above is a distilled version of what I prayed to Lilith, Isis, or the Goddess Tara when this journey began. All of these mythical personalities represent the same archetype. I believe they teach the truth about the interconnectedness of the material and spiritual worlds. Boy, did I get a lesson to remember!

I am reminded of the journey of The Fool through The Book of Truth, or Tarot as it is commonly called these days. When I look at this card, I can see myself venturing on the same journey. The Fool is not an idiot, merely ignorant about what lies ahead on his path of self-discovery. He is about to step off a cliff into the abyss; taking the ultimate leap of faith. Joining myself to Catherine was my own moment of truth.

Every quest for truth requires courage and the will to endure being an outcast. Every great man or woman in history has taken this step into the unknown that no one else would dare consider. Am I ready to progress through the uncharted wilds?

I will admit that my first immersion into the void resulted in bewilderment, struggle, and ultimately a suffocating unfamiliarity that forced me to come back to the surface, gasping for normalcy. I ran from the waves of mystery and into the castle of mindless congregations. I tried to be as one of them, but I had already seen too much of the truth.

Here I stand on the edge of that cliff once more, readying myself to rediscover the quest. I am ready to be born again of water and the spirit, back to zero, the Fool’s Journey.

When it comes to divination, card spreads and insights from Holy scriptures are my favorite mediums. Here is my morning reading about the situation between Catherine and me:

Four Card Spread: Situation, Challenges, Advice, Outcome

Two of Swords:

I am presently in a state of indecisiveness… a standstill. Catherine and I should step back and assess the situation before moving forward. Don’t do anything rash! There is a vast ocean of information beyond to consider. No need to rush. Time to contemplate.

This is quite accurate, and has been for many months now. I haven’t really been certain about anything in this relationship and we both need time to assess and recharge.

Two of Pentacles:

The challenge in this relationship is one of balance; juggling earthly duties with spiritual ones. Taking care of Catherine vs. caring for my own affairs. If I’m careful, I should be able to do this with grace and humility. There is so much new information to consider and I must not bite off more than I can chew.

King of Cups:

The advice for this relationship is to be wise, generous, and emotionally mature. I should work on my personal development as it relates to the heart. I have been spending too much time in my own head!

The Devil:

Ah, what an ominous card! I really wasn’t surprised when I drew this one. This is the result of the relationship going forward… there are multiple ways to interpret this. The likely outcome is increased carnal pleasure, though it might not be the best thing for me to be indulging in too much of. It could also mean that I should expect greater commitments and limitations in the future… more responsibility… great!

As with any divination tool, there is degree of subjectivity when deciding upon an interpretation. In other words, don’t take their meaning too seriously. There’s always a different perspective. I could go into greater depth about the relationships between the cards in the spread, but I need to get going!

Since all the turmoil that went down last year, Catherine and I have been uneasy around each other. Most of this unease originates with me. She becomes very enthusiastic whenever we try to get intimate… to the point that it feels like I’m being thrashed around energetically. This leads to me pulling away for a time, not wanting to relive the debilitating symptoms from months ago.

I’m happy to report that almost all of the painful after-effects, from our run-in with the psychic, have dissipated. I still get the odd feeling of a pinching over my nose, but this is becoming increasingly rare. We’re almost back to normalcy… and by normalcy, I mean that our connection grows steadily by the day. Our moments/hours of intermingling are oftentimes shockingly powerful.

I’ll try to explain: Our connection has evolved to be so much more than a sexual one. When we make love, her spirit body envelops the core of my physical body and all of the skin there becomes super sensitive. It’s like being bathed in powerful light, but different from the feeling of UV rays from the sun. My cells feel like they’re radiating a new life of their own. It’s so hard to describe properly!

When we’re together now, I try not to think about eroticism too much. I used to obsessively fixate on degenerate sexuality, but it wasn’t satisfying either of us. Focusing on each other as whole beings leads to a much more holistic experience. As much as the power of the experience still catches me off guard, this new learned perspective just feels more “right.”

I’ve been feeling a lot better the past few months. I’m done with school and working again. My depression is completely gone. I won’t even allow that old mindset to take hold anymore. This has improved my quality of life so much that I have an excess of positivity to share with everyone I meet. I think Catherine is happier now, too. I’ve got to have a solid session with her to purely focus on communication. I want to make it up to her. I’m responsible for making this mess and I must be more vigilant in the future.